Colors
by P.Crespi
Summary: A chance meeting gives Youko and Sei the opportunity they need to learn more about each other (and in the process, themselves).
1. Sun

A/N: Hello!

One of my favorite pairings from Marimite is Sei and Youko, so I thought I'd make them suffer a tad bit while they finally learn to like each other.

Thank you for reading :)

* * *

The loud barking from a pack of dogs bounces off the walls of this strip mall, carrying across the parking lot. Even with my headphones on, I can still hear them clear as the first days of spring semester when endless "Gokigenyou," greetings resonated across the one campus I once called mine.

An hour ago, when I first parked my car and walked into the gym, the only noise one could hear was the speeding cars from the adjacent road. Still, this cacophony, as distorted as it seems, brings me inexplicable joy today.

I open the car door only to toss my water bottle and headphones in it; for the first time in Maria-sama knows when, I feel my legs firmly holding the weight of my body, and I let them move on their own accord, crossing the parking lot with resolve I couldn't remember I had.

Lately I have been living off of these small moments, these minuscule sparks of happiness which jolt life back into my heart. School has drained me and as my last year of university approaches, I feel the world pressing down on my shoulders, demanding something from me I am not able to give yet. For far too long I have been afraid of the responsibility that freedom brings me, I have been terrified of not being able to be what everyone expects of me.

It pains me to admit that somewhere along this dull journey I have traveled, the ghost of someone I pretended to be long ago still haunts me, and try as I might, I can't seem to let her go.

But today I put on a smile, one I usually wear when I have to be the "Senator's daughter," and I hop on the sidewalk where the first cage is set up, a black pit bull lying inside of it – sleeping like the commotion around her is simply part of life. I kneel down and greet her with a soft, "Hey there," which is enough to get her up and walking toward me. Her tail wags and I feel my heart move to the rhythm of that sway.

She reaches the front of her kennel; excitement and hesitance all bundled up in this little ball of fur. So I press the palm of my hand against the door. _"I'm not here to hurt you,"_ I want to tell her, but I assume that by now she should already know that. And I envy her ability to feel these things which humans can only convey with words. Still, words are deceiving weapons, and I much rather be here, sharing this not so quiet –but wordless– moment with this dog I just met, than to try and understand the ulterior motives which lead humans to say things they do not mean.

She sniffs my hand and I wonder how much she knows about me by just this interaction. Of course I berate myself inwardly for fearing she knows me more than I really want to know myself.

This existential crisis continues in my head and I completely disregard the automatic doors opening behind me. Consequently, I seem to ignore some of the rescue group members waking out of the pet store.

"You shouldn't put your hand inside the cag—"

The sound of that voice alone makes soul leave my body. Only when it returns, I retrieve my hand from the kennel, and I stand. My mind doesn't have to reach deep in the corners of everyone I have ever pretended to be in order to choose this mask; nevertheless, there's no one else in my repertoire with more experience to handle this situation than Rosa Chinensis. Still, I must admit, Rosa Chinensis is the one I hate the most.

And I hate her because she was born out of my decision to damper my own chaos when I first entered Lillian High School Division. _I_ was the one who asked for the instant gratification of numbness just because I couldn't bear to feel –anything. I was so afraid of my own heart, I gave it away to Rosa Chinensis and she grew stronger to the sound of pills rattling in bottles inside my book bag during my first and second years at Lillian.

Nevertheless, even though those bottles are long gone, Rosa Chinensis still haunts me, numbs me, swallows all of the good from my heart.

"Erm..."

I try to help her bewilderment at seeing me with a polite "Gokigenyou, Sei," my posture is perfect, my voice clear and pleasant, my smile just right.

_If only she knew I am disgusted with myself..._

"Ah! Gokigenyou to you, too, Youko-san," she says awkwardly to the likes of Yumi, all the while the girl who followed Sei out of the pet store is looking up at her with skepticism, then, smirking, she mouths a "Gokigenyou?" mockingly.

But Sei brushes the girl off quickly, asking her to go back inside and grab the rest of the boxes they need. Then she turns to me again, "So, uh, hi, hello," she fumbles with grace only she possesses.

"Hello, again..."

"You know," she points at the dog behind me once she finally recovers from not knowing how to handle this situation, "she could've bitten your fingers off," she tells me.

"Oh…"

"I've seen her eat an entire bowl of dry food in one bite!"

"…"

"Say, Youko," she dives into the awkward silence. And she leaves the honorific behind this time around, pumping nostalgia into my heart. I had forgotten how nice she is when she's all there, when she's not trying to be angry at the world. "You can go ahead and ask," she says.

So, I gasp for air at her mind-reading abilities. But that's how Satou Sei is: all knowing and all understanding –unless the subject is herself.

"You must be wondering why…"

"No," I let Rosa Chinensis lie. "You have always been good with animals. Goronta will vouch for you."

She smiles brightly thinking of the stray cat, "Ah, Goronta!" she says with a chuckle which immediately brings a smile to my face. Sei is a beautiful woman, and though she tries to hide, her heart is capable of being even more wonderful than what is on the outside.

So we play a staring game for a while, and I feel her eyes studying the lines of my face –many of which she hasn't seen before, I'm sure–. I look back at her, fighting the urge to look away as this homesickness invades every inch of my body, cracking Rosa Chinensis resolve in the process. And it's not that I miss _her_. What I really miss is a time when I was okay with my lying to myself about knowing everything there was to life.

But I'm saved by the pit bull behind us when she whines and Sei gives her attention.

"Ah, you have no water!"

Sei all but begs me not to leave, excusing herself for a second and walking back into the store. Soon enough, the automatic doors open up and she walks out holding a bowl with water.

I watch her unlatch the gate to the kennel before she pats the dog lovingly, and places the water in a corner by the food. Then Sei looks back at me, "She likes me," she says, giddiness dripping from those words.

"Someone has to," the teasing comes out naturally, yet my cheeks flush with the realization we are not the kids we used to be anymore.

Her response is somewhat self-deprecating, "Right as always, I see."

"You have always been—"

"Terrible?"

"You give yourself too much credit for being a bad girl, Rosa Gigantea."

"…But I _am_ bad!" she shoots back, closing the cage and standing up.

And I say nothing back. I figure one more second of silence from me will not make a difference in the grand scheme of awkward encounters.

However, she wants to talk. Somehow, the girl who has always ran away from people, today, wants to talk. "Say, Youko," she starts.

"Hmm?"

"Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

"But—"

"I'll get someone to cover for me," she says a bit frantically, "… I… Uh…I feel like if I let you go, I won't see you again for another year."

I say nothing again because she is right. Only Maria-sama knows how hard it was for me to have waited for Sei when she went back inside earlier. But Sei should be used to my inability to handle spending long periods of time alone with her. She knew very well how hard it was for me not to meddle when everyone was sure she was going to get hurt during the Shiori fiasco. Nevertheless, I always acted as if I understood everything there was to understand about life while she struggled to comprehend the bare minimum. Today I know it was terribly wrong of me to have done that to Sei, and because I know I was wrong, I cannot help but feel like she has never forgiven me. Still, I have to admit that I also have not forgiven her for things she did to me, to Eriiko, to her onee-sama.

_I guess that makes us even_.

But now we're alone, no buffers to protect neither one of us, and I would be lying if I said I am not scared of what she has to say to me.

Sei steps aside to speak with another member of the rescue group while I squirm inwardly and Rosa Chinensis plays cool in the corner.

"Ready?" Sei asks once she comes back.

I answer her with a quiet nod, then she looks to the right and to the left before she takes my hand, but she says not a word, she just drags me to the parking lot. Her fingers are tightly laced in mine, her skin radiates heat into my body.

"Where are you parked?" she asks.

"Were you not the one who posed the invitation?"

"But I didn't drive today…"

"And you're assuming I did?"

"You've been holding on to your keys this entire time, Youko."

"I—"

_She's something else, I tell you…_

So I unlock my car and we jump in. She tells me she likes my air freshener, and I thank her with politeness worthy of an Oscar. Then, she tells me that by taking a left, I could cut through the parking lot, but I take the long way, and we get there without breaking any traffic rules, which annoys her to no end.

Thankfully I am more than familiar with this coffee shop. Though I found it online, the owner happens to have gone to high school with my dad, and they tend to carry long conversations every time dad and I stop by for a bite to eat – which has become so often that the entire staff knows me by name.

"Café au lait, right?" she asks while holding the door open for me. And I am not surprised she still remembers my drink of choice in high school. She remembers everything –a terrible curse, in my opinion–. I hesitate nonetheless, but just prepare myself to waste a perfectly good cup of coffee, because though Sei knows Rosa Chinensis, I assume she knows absolutely nothing about Mizuno Youko.

_I know nothings about Mizuno Youko._

Still, here we are, and I brace myself to continue this pretending with her. I take a booth when she reaches the counter to order. She smiles at me from across the room and I don't know whether to smile back or hide under the table. I choose the former, but it takes everything in me to feign happiness.

"Shikamaru-kun over there," she approaches me, pointing at the counter where Shikamaru is standing taking orders from an older gentleman, "…said they ran out of almond milk, so he got _'Youko-chan'_ cashew milk," she finishes with a mischievous smile.

"I come here a bit too often," I explain.

"I kinda just let him choose the pastries for us, is that okay? Shikamaru-kun said his dad is friends with yours?" she asks, grinning this time, the smile reaching her eyes, making them glimmer like I had never seen before – _has she always been this easygoing?_

I thank her with warmth I only have for Sei, and I feel Rosa Chinensis ease her grip from my limbs as if the affection from Sei cracks her resolve.

Although there are some things I cannot forget nor forgive Sei for, I am not very sure exactly when but sometime after the Christmas of Shiori, the part of my heart designated for Sei expanded without my consent. It's alright, though. Sei deserves the affection from me, from Yumi, from Shimako, Noriko, from all of us, as a matter of fact. Because she gives it too –to some more than others, but I understand that she doesn't care about the complexities of measuring the amount of love one gives on a person-by-person basis–.

"Is it okay? I can get you something else…"

"It's fine, Sei," I take a sip of the coffee just to reassure her I was okay with her – Shikamaru's– choice, the hot thing burns my tongue. I pretend I'm fine.

"Say, Youko…"

"Pardon?" I look up from the cup just to remind myself that her eyes remain the most wonderful gray I have ever come across –that I could not ever deny–.

"How's school going for you?" she asks and I am faced with the conundrum of small talk coming from someone I thought was incapable of doing it.

"It's not easy," I answer, "But I'm still getting good grades."

"Are you liking it?"

"Yes," I lie, holding on to the last legs of Rosa Chinensis.

"Is it all you've expected it to be?"

"Pretty close." I tell the truth this time.

"I envy you," she tells me earnestly, bringing the coffee to her lips before continuing, "Turns out I like contemporary stuff more than traditional literature… and that's all we cover in class. I'm already tired of classics, of renowned literary works. I want books with pictures in them, manga, light novels, graphic novels, comic books!"

She tells me all of that while I sit here, perplexed at those candid desires she chooses to share with me _–of all people; me._

"So, I'm assuming you're not going to continue on after you graduate…"

"I am!" she tells me matter-of-factly, "I wanna be able to vote for change in the curriculum at some point." She smiles brightly at me –once a martyr always a martyr–.

"You're—"

"I know… but I mustn't be the only one who thinks this way, right?"

I let the rhetorical question linger between us, and I feel my cheeks flush with shame for not being strong enough to tell her the truth about myself, about my hating law school, about my inability to be happy with the choices I have made in life so far.

But then what good would it do to tell her I still love painting, that I should have told my parents I wanted to go to art school instead of Law? What great relief would it bring me to tell her these truths buried deep in my heart?

_I lie instead. _

She asks me if I think she's an idiot for thinking the way she does. I shake my head, no, and smile at her. "I think your plan is wonderful," I say honestly.

Then she asks me if I mean what I say, as if my opinion has ever mattered to her. Sei has always been self-sufficient. Unlike me, she is not worried about other people's opinions. But Sei also takes full responsibility for her mistakes, which, in the end, allows her to not care anyway.

That's another thing I envy her for: this ability to put her heart in front of everything else. This undeniable eagerness to seek her own path, to be true to herself at all times, to not give in to what others will think, even if it gets her in trouble, expels her from school, puts her name in everyone's mouths, labels her a heathen; even if it breaks her heart and leaves her bitter, cold, unable to love again.

So I give her a nod of agreement just as Shikamaru places a plate of pastries between us. I watch her reach for the first one, and she takes a substantial bite out of the thing. Then, she bundles the food all to one side of her mouth –like she's forgotten all of the training we had at Lillian– "I can't eat all of this by myself," she says, inviting me to join her.

And I chuckle at her antics, realizing I have missed her more than I thought I did. Then I pick the next pastry in line, and I take a bite as big as she did –when in Rome, I reason, silencing the arguing about what is proper in public that goes on in my head–.

"It's good, huh?" she mumbles with her mouth full, then she smiles at me when I respond with a nod.

She washes down the remaining of the pastry in her mouth with her coffee, then she takes a good look at me, "How's Sachan doing, Youko?"

"She's well. Yumi-chan keeps her on her toes –you know how that goes– and even though they're not going to the same university, they're always together."

"Have they come out yet?"

"Sayako-oba-sama knows."

"And the Fukuzawas?"

"Yuuki-kun for now."

"That's good," Sei says, a satisfied smile tugging at her lips.

"And Shimako?" I continue the formality, though I am genuinely curious.

"I've gotten no complaints from Hokkaido. She's happy as a clown since Noriko moved there last year."

"And they're in the same department, right?"

"Yup."

Then, I can't hide the smirk when I borrow Sei's words, "Have they come out yet?"

"Ha! Everyone knows about those two!" she answers with a grin, "Noriko was pretty adamant about not hiding."

"I'm sure it was easier after Rei and Yoshino…"

"You might be right. But I remain the OG, thank you very much."

"You never really needed a 'coming out' event."

"It's…" she hesitates for a second, but finishes nonetheless, "…much work to hide."

"If you say so..." I say, reaching for the plate of pastries.

"…"

"…"

"Say, Youko…"

"Hmm?" I mumble and she waits for me to look at her again before she asks, "When is it going to be your turn?" throwing me for a loop, and I all but choke on my coffee. "I'm—" I clear my throat, "I—"

"Youko…"

I know I don't need to answer. I also know she means no harm when she asks, but even still, even if it's Sei asking, I'm still not ready to say it out loud to the world, so I apologize instead.

And this is so much more than just saying it. It also goes beyond telling my parents –which, thankfully, I didn't have to because they knew even before_ I_ had realized it–. It also goes beyond sexuality, beyond the person whom I choose to love. This is about my inability to drop the Rosa Chinensis act every time I feel scared, anxious, threatened.

"No, _I_ am sorry…" she says, "I should've known better not to pry. You've always been reserved about these things. It was wrong of me to have assumed things had changed."

"Some things just don't..."

"But change might be good, right?" she asks with a bit of hesitance. And for a second I question whether I am speaking with the same Satou Sei I met in high school.

"Sei—" I try, but she interrupts me with a "Nope! I refuse to give you a reason to run away from me today," then she stands up, walks to the condiment counter, picks up two coffee lids and comes back to our table. She then proceeds to cover both of our cups.

With one hand she takes her coffee, the other reaches for the last pastry on the plate. She shoves the pastry in her mouth before grabbing my hand and pulling me up, "C'mon, let me put you to work."

And with that, we drive back to the pet shop.

"Take this," she says to me, tossing a shirt with the rescue group's logo my way, "That way people won't ask why you're back here with us," she finishes. Then she looks at the girl that made fun of us just a little while ago, "Sakura-san, can you help Youko-san with the water hose?"

Without saying anything else she walks away, leaving me alone with Sakura who is clearly still questioning my upbringing by the way I greeted Sei earlier today.

A while later, we hear the back door crack open, "Yo, Sakura-san, they're ready for water, Youko-san, stack t—" she freezes when Sakura and I have all of the waters stacked up and ready to go.

"You first, Youko," Sakura says, and I thank her for letting me walk out first.

"Ah… I should have known not to let you two hang out together…" Sei jokes.

"Not sure how a nice girl like Youko-san has an oaf like you as a friend..."

"Hey, I'm a delicate flower, too!"

"Who said_ I_ was a delicate flower?!" I ask, and the two of them laugh at my expense. Incredibly, I am actually okay with the teasing for once. I laugh along instead of berating myself.

So, Sakura and I bring water and food to the kennels outside. And from across the way I watch Sei speak with a couple about one of the rescue dogs for a long while, until she walks to the adoption table, leaning into a box and pulling two leashes out. She opens one of the kennels, secures a tiny lab in one of the leashes and hands it to the lady she was speaking with. Then, she brings out the black pit bull, walking her to where I am and handing her to me with a cheerful, "Here."

"But…"

Sei looks at me, at Sakura, then back at me, "She needs to go poo-poo," she says.

"She needs to go _poo-poo_, Sei?"

"Would you rather she took at sh—"

"Satou Sei!" I feign outrage, and she laughs heartily, her head thrown back, her shoulders shaking, her ponytail bouncing up and down – this is the first time I hear her laugh like this, the first time I see her openly show these emotions I thought she was incapable of having.

Once she has recovered from her bout of laughter, she guides me away from the commotion. When I look up she is quietly watching me handle the leash, and truth be told, this dog is making me look like a professional.

Our silence is healing, I must admit. Though it bares all of the words we never said to one another, it tells me she is okay with the person she has become, that she is not uncomfortable in her own skin any longer. She doesn't need to fill this space between us with words which will add nothing to the way we both feel.

So we walk along the sidewalk until the dog makes a _poo-poo_, and Sei picks it up with a baggie she had in her pocket.

She chuckles when she tosses the bag into the trashcan. "She never takes a bad poo. It's always solid poo with this girl," she says, patting the dog's head.

"How long has she been with you guys?"

"A little over three weeks."

"Will she get adopted?" I ask a bit worried.

But Sei's confidence appeases my heart, "Oh, she for sure will!"

She smiles, looks around to make sure no one is watching us, then grabs my hand before she commences a light jog which turns into a full-on sprint after she shouts, "C'mon! Follow me!"

Like a reflex I shout her name at the top of my lungs. It echoes across the parking lot, bouncing right back to fill my heart with hope. Hope one day I can feel the way she does right now.

So we put the dog away after the _poo-poo_ walk, and before I ask for adoption papers – not that my parents would say anything, but I would rather take the easy road when it comes down to having to justify such a hasty decision–.

Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever surprised my parents like that. I've always been thoughtful enough to think twice before I acted. I'm predictable, always playing safe.

###

"Say, Youko…" She gets my attention as I put the last box of bowls into the rescue group's van.

"Hmm?"

"Wanna get lunch with me?"

I look at my watch, "By the time we're done here, it's going to be dinner time," I tell her, and as expected of Satou Sei, her response is none but, "Then, it's a date!"

Somehow she coerces me into shoving her bike in my trunk and taking her home. She takes the passenger seat, "Shot gun!" she calls, then she holds on to her helmet and her backpack as she gives me instructions on how to get to her apartment, which include something along the lines of, "go over that flowerbed," as well as, "take that fire hydrant over there." I respond calmly to her directions by simply saying her name, "Sei," I tell her, "Se~i," her name rolls off my tongue like a well memorized prayer, a song one learns when young and even after years of not thinking about it, one can still recite word-by-word. Her name coats my mouth with nostalgia, it floods my heart with this want, even though I'm not sure what it yearns for.

When we finally park, she locks up her bike, then guides me to the third floor of building number five. "This is me," she says, stopping in front of door 308 and unlocking it.

Her apartment feels like a home; like someone really lives here, wraps themselves in these blankets, spills tiny bits of coffee on the table - enough to create sticky rings on the surface when one forgets what coasters are for.

She lets me look around for a while, pointing at the kitchen and apologizing for only having water and milk to drink. I decline politely the multiple offers she makes of "I can get you a glass of milk…"

Once she's satisfied with my not wanting anything, she turns on a wax warmer placed by the T.V., then heads to her bedroom after asking me if it is alright for her to take a shower. So, I take a seat on her couch while still examining her home, and it doesn't take long until the warmer melts the wax and the subtle smell of eucalyptus and spearmint permeates the air. I breathe in deeply, trying to take in my surroundings. Nevertheless, I don't try to scrutinize it, I take everything at face value, without pretending I know why she chose to frame a crappy poster from a band that doesn't play together any longer, or why she has a photo of the Yamaurikai under a photo of her, Shimako, and Noriko by the recliner in the corner of the living room.

There's a hardcover on the coffee table, too; a pair of dark-rimmed glasses keeping the book company.

I had never thought of Sei in glasses before, but the idea doesn't make me cringe either.

I wonder if she wears them to school.

If she does, I wonder if the classmates who don't know her name think of her as 'the girl in glasses.'

But if they do, they're missing out.

If they do, then they don't know who Satou Sei was, is, wants to be. If they do, then they don't know about Rosa Gigantea's stories of feeding stray cats, of keeping underclassmen secrets, of falling in love with girls who are in love with the Cloister. If they think of her as just 'the girl in glasses', then they don't know how wonderful this woman can be despite all of the darkness which once surrounded her.

After I am done looking around, I waste time on my phone while she showers. Then she comes out of the bathroom, still wrapped in a towel, to check on me, excusing herself once more shortly, then I hear the muffled sound of the hair dryer through her closed door.

When she comes out again, she's dressed and ready to go. She's wearing her hair down this time, she's been letting it grow out, and though it's not as long as it used to be, it reaches her upper back. Her bangs are well kept, trimmed perfectly like Noriko's. Still, I would have loved to see her with the choppy and messy locks she had in high school. She looks good, though, that I cannot deny.

Dark, skinny jeans, and a white, button-down shirt with a granddad collar, she stands in front of me, then she extends her hand my way. I accept the invitation and she pulls me up, "You ready to go, Youko?" she asks, her perfume bringing back memories of endless days at the Rose Mansion. Days when I had finally decided to exchange numbness for those feelings I had feared for years on end, and as excruciating as they were at that time in my life, I am so glad I was able to feel –everything– because by doing so, I was also able to create memories like the ones I have of Sei, of Eriiko, of the people who I love the most.

Somehow, Sei, herself, is longing incarnate.

I tell her I am ready, hesitantly, because unlike Sei, I still live with my parents, and though we've always had a healthy relationship, I feel as if out of all of my friends, I am the one who never really had to grow up. But Sei doesn't need to know that, she doesn't need to know that I feel like a failure, like an unaccomplished brat who lives off of the goodness of mommy and daddy. I'll let her make her own assumptions about me, much like she did when we were still kids. My feeling is that she still sees me as an uptight meddler, who spends her days plotting to save the world but falls short of saving herself.

_She wouldn't be too far from the truth._

"You sure?" she asks while she stares at me again.

So, I look away while confirming my lie with a soft, "Yes," and she picks up a pair of black oxfords from the shoe rack by her front door, putting them on without worrying about socks.

_No dark-green dresses with sailor collars, no ankle socks and crappy sneakers, Sei has learned to let go, I believe. She has learned to strip herself from things which will add nothing to her life – who needs socks anyway, right?_

We walk downstairs quietly at first, then when I unlock the car and she jumps in, she breaks the silence, "Do you know how to get home from here?" she asks.

"I can take the freeway."

"Or you can take the surface roads."

"But that would take longer."

"But we're not in a hurry, right?"

I look at her, trying to conjure up an answer to that cheesy remark. In all fairness I would like to know what she wants from today. I still haven't figured out if she still hates me or just feels bad for always keeping me at arm's length in high school. Or, maybe, she can sense the tribulation in my heart. But that would be wishful thinking wouldn't it? –To think she, out of all people, would be the one to pull me out of the abyss I've fallen into and cannot seem to find a way out–. I guess, in a way, we have always expected these feats of unexpected bravery from Satou Sei.

Either way, I tell her I'm not in a hurry, making a left instead of a right, and I humor her by taking the scenic route.

###

"That church over there," she points back into the city, "the one with the big metal cross," she continues, "It has some incredible glass paintings… the type that little chapel at Lillian had, you know, with the crucifixion scenes and all, but like, ten times bigger."

"I've never been there before."

"I go by pretty often, only walked in a time or two, tho…ugh," she fails to catch herself, then chuckles, moving her gaze from the church, to me, "You know how I am with all of that church stuff, right? I guess…" she confesses before continuing, "I guess there are things in our lives we decide will be our demons for longer than even they probably want to be. So… turns out you were right, after all… Aaaand I'm a hypocrite," she finishes, scratching the back of her head awkwardly.

"Aren't we all, though?" I try to appease her.

"…"

The church disappears on my rearview mirror, only then I finally look at my speedometer and ease off the gas pedal.

Sei's demon is not God, or the church, or organized religion. Her demon has a name, a face, and a heart that was able to have loved Sei but chose not to.

Nevertheless, even though Kubo Shiori turned Sei into a shell of herself for many moons, I still think she was the one who lost the most.

Still, in a way we all lost Sei: the Sei who was lured into the Yamaurikay with the excuse her Onee-sama liked her face, the Sei who taught me not to use last names when addressing Lillian students, the Sei who had a heart big enough and open enough to fall in love and not hesitate to speak up about it.

We all, in our own way, had to mourn that loss. And the ones who stayed behind had to try and help pick up the pieces that were left during that winter and the spring that followed, hoping that a phoenix would rise from the ashes. What we were left with; however, was a shattered, dark, unrecognizable at times, version of the Satou Sei we once knew –but it was still Sei. And that was enough for all of us –.

I grab on to the steering wheel, squeezing it until my knuckles turn white. I shouldn't hate Shiori because in all truthfulness I understand her predicament, her commitment to something she thought was more important than her own happiness. As a matter of fact, I might understand her more than I give myself credit for. Still, I can't help but hate her.

_I hate Kubo Shiori._

And I don't hate her because she monopolized Sei's time, or because Sei pretended she loved her, or even because she ran away. I hate her because she made Sei think she had a chance when we all knew she had made a decision she wasn't going to change for anyone.

_I fucking hate Kubo Shiori._

"Youko…"

"Hmm?"

"You don't have to be mad."

I look at her and tell her I'm not, but she sees right through me. Placing her hand atop of mine, she says softly, "You should breathe."

So I exhale as I am told to, praying to Mari-sama I don't get in an argument with Sei right in the middle of suburbia, Tokyo. And I feel like we're in high school again when we never saw eye-to-eye, when neither one of us understood the other's intentions.

But I cannot hold my tongue any longer, and I prepare my face for the slap I never received when we were younger and I thought I knew how to handle Satou Sei, "You've always been ever so cavalier when the subject is Kubo Shiori," I take the first jab and clench my jaw as I brace myself for her response.

Yet, it never comes.

Instead, she asks if I am mad at her.

"I'm not mad at anyone."

"But you just said I'm cavalier…"

"Aren't you, though?" I ask as I pull in to my parents' driveway. I put the car in park but leave it running, and I look at her. I want to hear what her excuse is. I want to hear her say she is still in love with Shiori.

"We weren't meant to be, Youko," she says to me after a long silence, and I breathe in and ready myself to shout at her, though nothing really comes out of my mouth when I open it.

She breaks the awkward silence by asking me if she can continue to explain.

"..."

"She didn't do anything wrong, she just… didn't love me enough to have stayed… I can't blame her for that, can I? How do I blame someone for not loving me? Isn't it kind of selfish to expect reciprocity out of love? This is not some quid-pro-quo agreement we're talking about. I loved her without expecting her to love me back and I found out the hard way what happens when people love other things more than they love you."

"…"

"If I seem _cavalier_ about her, then I apologize, that's not my intention. But I'm really thankful I loved her, Youko. And I'm thankful I lost her, too. This is all part of life, part of why we're here for, part of why we have hope that better things will come our way. Love will come around again, you know. And when it does, my only hope is that they'll be brave enough to stay," she finishes with a smile, then she turns off my car, but leaves the key in the ignition.

She jumps out, walking to my side and opening my door, then she turns around, and starts to stroll toward the front door, "I hope Mizuno-sama is hom— ooofff." My arms move on their own accord, wrapping around her waist, my chest crashing against her back with unexpected force. And I hold on tight to her, burying my face in the nape of her neck.

And as if by command, her fingers reach for mine, but I don't say anything, and she doesn't say anything, and we just stand here for an eternity and a half. Her body radiating heat into mine, healing my soul, telling me it's okay to be scared, and sad, and not ready, because we've all been scared, and sad, and not ready once or twice in our lives.

"We should move before someone thinks we're—"

"You're right," I tell her.

She grabs my hand nonetheless, walking me to my front door.

When we walk in, my mom greets us from the kitchen, dad is here, too, "I don't believe this, Sei-chan!" dad comes into the living room wiping his hands in a kitchen towel, mom follows behind, "Come over here, little one!" dad says, bringing Sei in for a hug. It's safe to say they like Sei, a lot, actually, and they are genuinely happy to see her.

I explain what our plans are for the evening so they don't think we're staying for dinner, then I excuse myself praying to Mari-sama they don't get Sei drunk before I come back.

There's no time to waste here, so I jump in the shower quickly, washing my hair first so the conditioner can stay in for however long I take to wash myself.

I reach for my razor, and without thinking too much I shave, everything, as if following the same strange ritual I've created for when I have a date.

But I don't have a date.

This is just us, catching up and making sure we're still okay with the awkwardness between us.

I rinse off and jump out of the shower, then wrap myself in a towel and walk into my bedroom.

Of course I don't know what to wear, much like I don't know why I am so worried about what I should wear. It's not like Sei is in my living room dressed in a kimono. Plus, this is just Sei.

_It's just Sei._

So I hear a loud, "Ha!" from the kitchen and I hurriedly take the blow-dryer and start working on my hair, still looking inside my closet –Goddammit if they are giving her liquor.

When my hair is finally dry, I pull one of my favorite summer dresses from the hanger; red with tiny white polka dots, its simple round neckline is modest, but it balances out the short sleeves quite nicely in my opinion. And, thankfully it still fits me. So I put it on, and proceed with my make-up, and everything else that needs to be done before I can check on the status of the drunkenness in the kitchen.

I take a last look in the mirror before I walk out of my bedroom – everything looks okay. I still have two eyes, a nose, and a mouth; my breasts are not out and my rear is covered.

Still, I breathe in deeply before I walk into the kitchen.

"Yoyo,"

"Where's—"

"Mom is showing Sei-chan the garden."

I thank dad and walk outside to find mom and Sei crouching down by a bed of red roses –stupid perennials–. So I clear my throat to get their attention and Sei shoots up on her feet right away, the white wine sloshes around her glass and she chuckles staring at it until the waves subside, only then she looks at me, and her smile disappears for a second, "Damn," she says, "You ar— damn." she fumbles with her words and I wonder how many of those glasses she has had while I was in the shower.

I dismiss the drunken compliment with a hasty "Thanks," then look at her half-empty glass. With Rosa Chinensis' resolve I walk up to her, and she gives me a cheeky smile which I wipe from her face when I take the wine from her and chug it dry.

_I wish I could say I had no idea, but I know exactly why I feel crazy. _

"Youk—" Sei tries.

Then against my will, the crazy speaks, "It would be nice for you to be at least half sober around me."

Mom tries to save Sei but I interrupt her by saying we have to go. So I say my goodbyes and allow Sei to give '_Mizuno-sama_' a hug and promise she'd come back soon. Then we walk in, and she hugs dad, too, thanking him for the wine before I drag her across the kitchen and through the living room.

The truth is that if she's someone other than the Sei I drove here, then I might as well leave her here with my parents. I don't want her ghost; a half-alive version of whom she is. I've had that once before. As a matter of fact, that was all I've ever had. And the truth is: after spending the day with her, after seeing her in one piece, I am terrified of having anything other than the Satou Sei I met this morning, because I wouldn't know how to pick up her pieces when mine are sprawled across the floors.

So, I unlock the car and she jumps in, "Did I do something wrong?"

"When you asked me if I wanted to have dinner with you, you never said you'd be drunk."

"But I'm not drunk, Youko."

"You spent a whole hour with my parents…"

"That I did…"

"And you want me to believe they didn't refill your glass at least a couple times?"

"They sure wanted to…"

"See…"

"But I babysat that one glass."

"You—"

"Had like three sips of that _sauvignon_," she finishes, emphasizing the proper pronunciation of the wine –how many languages does this woman speak again?

"…"

"Now, can you please turn your car on? I'm melting in here."

I tell her I don't believe her while twisting the key in the ignition and driving away with no destination in mind.

"…"

"…"

"This is not high school anymore, you know."

"I sure hope you are right."

Then she finally asks, "You're still mad at me, huh?" and my chest freezes at the thought of Christmas night, five years ago.

"Out of all of us, your Onee-sama is the one who has all of the right to still be mad. I sure didn't appreciate the goose chase through Tokyo in the middle of a winter storm, but I also had a hunch there was going to be a freak-out at some point."

"Really?" she asks and I take a good look at her, "Cookies and milk don't mend a broken heart," I tell her.

"Neither do copious amount of booze… and other things."

"You would have begged to differ a few years ago."

"And you would've been correct, Rosa Chinensis."

"I'm always correct, Rosa Gigantea."

Then there's silence; long, awkward, silence that cut through my bones, until she takes the aux cable and plugs her phone in. The radio plays the acoustic version of a song we used to listen to in high school, and she starts with her impossible directions once more, "Twenty points if you hit that couple over there," she says at one point, until she tells me to park at a public garage by a market, then she looks at me, "Say, Youko."

_Here we go again._

"Hmm?"

"We never really talked about that night. I was a little surprised there was no yelling from you."

So, I look at her. I look straight into her eyes. I look at her brows and her nose, and her cheekbones and her mouth, then back up at two pools of gray, "There was no yelling because I thought you were dead," I say flatly, wondering if we are finally going to hash out that incident after so many years.

"…"

"I don't usually yell at dead people."

"You—ko..."

"…"

"…"

I let her have it. For the first time in Maria-sama knows when, I don't hold back by evading this subject, "You told us you were going home, Sei! You lied to us, to your parents! You decided that chasing pills with liquor was a good idea before playing the most cowardly game with your friends. You almost got Eriiko killed because in your head only one of us could find you. You crossed the line in so many ways, all I wanted _was_ to scream at you. All I wanted _was_ to blow your eardrums up… But when I found you… there were no sounds I could have made that could ease that sorrow you brought me."

"So that's how you really feel…"

"That's h—"

"You should've told me, you know," she tells me with calm only she could've mustered at this moment.

"You were a mess, Sei, do you think you'd listen?"

At that she apologizes, and I sit in silence, my hands bundled into fists pushing against my thighs.

Though most of that night is carved in my memory –the places I ran across after reading text message after text message, the phone calls to Rosa Gigantea, to Eriiko, to Sachiko, and Rei, everything so vivid I can still feel the freezing cold gusts of winds every time I close my eyes and think of it– her frame on the floor of that old arcade is the last thing I remember seeing before I, too, blacked out. Somehow I was able to call Rosa Gigantea, but I don't remember speaking with her. I also don't remember how I wound up in the hospital before everybody else. Nevertheless, I was there, I watched Sachiko run through the doors followed by Rei. And I remember Rosa Gigantea's pale face as she essentially dragged Eriiko into the ER.

By not thinking of the consequences, Sei put all of our lives at risk that night, and though most of us were able to walk out somewhat unscathed, the way I felt is something I can never forget.

She jumps out of the car but I stay a while. The irony of it all is that the reason why we were never able to be close friends was because we were never able to speak openly like this –one of us was always waiting for the other to say things neither one of us had the courage to do so.

I try to pull myself back together before stepping out of the car.

She's leaning against the trunk when I walk by on my way to exit the parking garage, but before I can clear the first parking spot, I feel her hand on my wrist.

She reels me in; tumbling on my feet, I only stop when my chest is against hers, her back smashes on my car with a loud thud, "I'm sorry, Youko" she apologizes even though I am the one whose entire weight is resting on her.

"Did I hurt you?" I ask.

"I should have considered your feelings…" Sei says and it takes me a second to make the connection that she isn't really referring to the collision that has just happened when she apologizes. She wraps her arms around me tightly before she continues, "…considered the fact that Onee-sama might not have been the first one there."

At that last sentence, I throw my arms around her, but I refrain from saying anything, I renounce this right I think I have to keep berating her, because I know it's taking everything in her to say these words to me. It's taking everything in her to lay her cheek on my shoulder and tell me that she didn't think Rosa Gigantea would have kept on calling both Eriiko and me, that the text messages she had sent us were different than the ones she sent her Onee-sama.

Nevertheless, instead of comfort, her words bring even more turmoil into my heart.

_Because I'm never the one she is thinking of._

It's selfish, I know, but the fact that I wanted to be that friend for her; I wanted to be the one she thought could rescue her, hurts me more now than it has ever before.

A minute ago I had the false hope that at least that one night, when she couldn't save herself, somewhere buried in her heart she hoped I showed up, she thought of me.

But I was wrong.

_God, I was wrong!_

And she allows me no room to soak in all of this, as she pulls away from me, holding on to my shoulders, and smiling while she apologizes yet again. And I say nothing back to her as if I have forgotten how to speak.

She looks around, then takes my hand and walks me out of the parking garage. And as I feel the warmth of her fingers in mine, I try to find something, anything that will bring me solace right in this moment.

_Isn't it kind of selfish to expect reciprocity out of love?_ Her voice seeps through every corner of my mind, like gold being poured between cracks of bowls, transforming mundane into invaluable.

But I don't love her.

This is not love.

So I swallow this urge to scream, and with clarity I have not had in months I take a good look at her; one hand in her back pocket, the other in mine.

I never noticed the red-ish tint the sun brings to her hair, and I never noticed that her back is straight and her shoulders pushed back when she walks. I never noticed the calluses on her hands, and the way she walks with a purpose even when she has no deadline to meet.

This is not the Sei I first met, nor the one the Yamayurikai lost. This is also not the Sei I said goodbye to when we graduated Lillian, but this Sei is all of them combined, weakness and strength together, dark and light in harmony for once.

Right now, I see her clearly. And I think I do so because for the first time, maybe ever, I am not scared she'll break, I am not scared she'll retreat, and so I should not be scared that she will turn into someone else because she is afraid of getting hurt.

She looks back at me when I slow down to watch her, "Am I going too fast?" she asks. So I speed up and fall into step with her, _"Don't slow down," _I want to tell her, _"You are most lovely when you are just yourself."_

She smiles at me; nonetheless. Maybe she can hear my heart.

"We're almost there," she tightens the grip on my hand, and I don't question her, and I don't worry about where she's taking us. I let her lead the way –there's a first time for everything.

###

We cross the street and walk up four blocks before she tells me we've arrived, then she opens the door for me.

"Just you and the pretty lady today, Sei-chan?" an older lady greets us, and I look at Sei who at least has the decency to blush.

"Just me and the pretty lady, yes, Hitomi-sama."

"And, no screaming about Western authors this time?" she waits until Sei tells her "No," to actually walk us to a table and place the menus in front of us.

"Unless Youko has some disagreeing remarks on bull-fighting."

"I have many-a-disagreeing remarks about bull-fighting."

"Well, then, upstairs you both go..." Hitomi-sama says.

"Then tell Takahashi-sama we're up there so he takes his evening poo downstairs." Sei grabs the two menus from the table and asks me to follow her before telling Hitomi-sama she will come down to place the order.

So, I follow Sei up the narrow staircase which leads us into a small room with two loveseats around a coffee table near its entrance, and a large dining table with eight chairs in the back; three doors with "Staff Only" signs and one with a "Restroom" sign surround the room. There's also a half-finished puzzle in the middle of the dining table, and Sei looks at it for a second before handing me a menu. "Everything is really good, the sushi is great," she tells me, then tilts into the table to pick up a loose puzzle piece, placing it where she thinks it belongs.

I hesitate, and though I know better, I tell her she should order for both of us, "As long as we can have some steamed rice," is my only request, then she jokes about getting me a can of red bean soup, laughing heartily afterwards. All I can do is stare at her in awe as I wonder where she was hiding that laugh when we were kids. Though this is only the second time she allows herself to giggle in front of me, I feel as if my heart has longed for this sound for as long as I've known myself.

When she's done chuckling at her own joke she comes to my side of the table "I'm biased because I like everything Takahashi-sama makes, but…" she starts, leaning close to me to point at my menu, "this one is really good," she points at an appetizer, "Oh, and this one, too," she says after turning the page to the daily specials section.

She's flipping the menu back and forth, and my heart flutters in the process.

_I wonder why I feel this uneasy all of a sudden._

At one point she stops and looks up, catching me staring at her instead of looking at the menu we've been studying for a while now. But she doesn't call me out like she would have if we were still in high school. She gives me a smile nonetheless, "Are you alright?" she asks.

"I'm fine," I answer quietly, the words sticking to my throat.

"Tired of me already?"

I respond by shaking my head, no. And I mean it. I spent many years around her, and I was never tired of her, or annoyed by her. We shared every second of every day while in high school; every breath I took in the Rose Mansion was near her, so near I know what her hair smells like, I can spot her perfume from across the gingko-lined path. I know what flavor of gum she chews, the type of chocolate she likes, how spicy she takes her curry. I know so many things about her, yet I still find myself surprised with her laughter, and her silly banter, and her ability to be an active part of a group like the animal rescue, and with the kindness in which she takes my hand before she drags me around, and the sensitivity and openness she has approached today with.

She stands up, "I'm gonna go put in the order for us before I starve you to death," she says.

She's walking behind me now and I feel her warmth dissipate into the air, but before she walks away, her hand finds my shoulder, and she slides her fingertips across my back.

She doesn't look back, though.

If I am going to be completely honest with myself –which is something I have been lacking of lately– then, I wanted her to have looked back because I need to know what she meant by that touch.

And I need to know why she's doing this, why she's asking me questions she knows I don't know the answers to; why, all of a sudden, the need to take my hand, to haul me around, to open the door of her home to me, and to tell me her truths. She hated the way I used to see right through her, calling out her wavering, saying exactly what was in her heart; so, why, all of a sudden, this coming clean?

Is this her way of saying she is okay leaving our past behind? That she is over the childish battles, the small victories at exponential costs?

I wonder if this is her way of telling me we can now be friends because I finally understand that we all have to dig through our own wreckage sometimes; to pull, not the best, but the least shattered parts of ourselves from the rubble. And if we are lucky enough, the people around us, the ones who love us the most, will be the glue that will mend us back together.

I feel a knot in my stomach, these butterflies I find hard to withstand.

_And I feel crazy again._

What if this is not a display of maturity, understanding, forgiveness, but rather a pity parade led by Rosa Gigantea?

Still, has she not, even for a second, thought that maybe I didn't want any of this? That maybe I didn't want my hand to be taken? I didn't want to know these secrets of hers?

The onset of this panic attack makes my head spin. So I stand up pressing the palms of my hands on the table so I don't fall. Then I blink this dizziness away, the puzzle comes back into focus and I stare at it for Maria-sama knows how long. I see loose pieces scattered in a corner, and I see the border neatly arranged, then I frantically look around, searching for the puzzle's box so I can see what the final product should look like. My heart pounds wildly against my chest because I can't figure out what this image is –once upon a time I was able to foresee things, to anticipate plays, but nothing is the same anymore, and I am afraid I will be stuck in the darkness of this labyrinth forevermore–.

I feel my chest tighten, this room, all of a sudden, shrinks and compresses me. I need out of here, away from these scattered puzzle pieces in this poorly lit room.

And I would love to run away, but not only can't I find the strength in my legs to flee, leaving would be terribly cowardly. And though I don't feel like myself, I still have some dignity left in me. So, I lock myself in the bathroom by the couch instead. Reaching for the faucet I splash water on my face, "What am I still doing here?" I ask myself.

I wonder how unflattering it would be if I really ran away, freezing on my tracks at the top of the stairs before looking at her, "Hey," she'd probably say from the first floor, a bit confused while holding on to our water cups, "You alright?" she'd ask.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

_I see her down the stairs._

_"__Youko?"_

_And I see flashing lights, I hear loud music playing, a cacophony of electronic sounds banging in my head, "I have to go," I tell her mid-way down the stairs and I push her out of the way once I hit the first floor._

But I'm still inside this restroom.

So I wash my face one more time, letting the water cool me off, and though I start to feel a bit better, there's still this hollowness inside of me.

I take another deep breath, I close my eyes again.

And I continue this daydream by bursting out of the restaurant_._

_Suddenly the heaviness of realizing I am really alone in this crashes down on me: nobody is here to rescue me, much like nobody would have rescued me back at Lillian had I broken down during my farewell speech. _

_My brisk walk turns into a run once I can see the parking garage ahead of me._

_I sprint across the street, my ears ringing with the noises of clunking cans in soda machines, faint "You lose" chants from old game consoles, and the deafening slamming of pinball buttons._

_In this discord I don't even hear the clicking of my car unlocking, but I swear I press the button a hundred times. _

_So, I finally get in my car, closing the door behind me but failing at leaving the noises out. I hold my breath, counting to ten, to 20, and I pray to Maria-sama, urging her to turn my mind off, to soothe my heart._

_And I cry, heaving for a breath I held for far too long. I scream in my hands hoping I can expel this desperation out of my chest with this roar._

_"__Fuck!" I scream, my heart pounding against my chest._

_"__Fuuuhhh—" _

I'm sure this is exactly how things would have played out had I really ran away – because in the end, it will always be me up against the world–.

But even knowing I will have to face the world alone, I wonder if I am allowed to dream of a better ending for this made up story.

I should have the right to dream…

_ "—__ko!" I barely hear her, but then she bangs on my window, "Youko, wait!" _

_She's here._

_"__Can you please open the door?" I hear the muffled request._

_So, I finally lift my eyes up. She's standing here, out of breath, her hair disheveled, her shirt soaking wet, but she's here, screaming my name, asking me to stay with a ragged, "Please, don't run away from me…"_

_She hammers down on my window with clenched fists, then as if she has given up, she drops her arms down. Her hair is covering her face when I finally open my door and step out of my car. _

_"__Don't run away from me…" she repeats without looking at me. _

_Somehow her words make my heart swell inside my chest._

I breathe out a chuckle while still standing in the bathroom. _What am I doing?_

Then I look at the water running for a while before confronting my reflection in the mirror -thank Goodness for waterproof mascara–.

Once I am done reapplying my eyeliner, I make sure the faucet is not dripping and walk out to find Sei sitting at the table, working on the puzzle.

"You okay, Youko?"

"Hmhm," I answer.

There are two dishes neatly arranged between us, two glasses of water on cardboard coasters, too.

"Ah! Would you like something else to drink?" she asks before she stands up, shoving her hand in her pocket and walking behind me toward a closed door, which she unlocks with ease and gets swallowed by the room.

I hear her wrestle inside the room for a long second, then she returns holding on to two bottles of juice and two glasses.

And she remains quiet while she twists one of the bottles open. I wonder why she has access to restricted areas of this restaurant, but I decide not to ask.

I stare at her as she pours me a drink without asking if I would like orange juice with my meal, then she fills up her glass and starts eating after a quick, "Itadakimasu."

"…"

"What?" she finally says when she realizes I haven't touched any of the food, "I can't eat all of this on my own, so…" she repeats what she told me at the coffee shop earlier today, but this time I don't reach for my plate.

So, after a while she stops chewing again, placing her chopsticks atop of her bowl of rice, then she reaches for her juice, and she gulps it with gusto before addressing me,

"Say, Youko…"

Her voice makes me cringe this time.

"Are you not gonna tell me you don't eat meat?"

"Wh—"

"You know… nothing with a face…"

"I— How d—"

"Yumi-chan told me."

"Yu—"

"Hmhm..."

"Then…"

"You reared a bunch of meddlers, remember? Although Touko-chin was already a little butthole before she met us…" she trails off.

Quietly, I sit here, feeling betrayed by my own kind, cheated by this dirty old man sitting in front of me because they still talk. How was I so naïve to think they wouldn't anymore?

So I let Rosa Chinesins take over once more, "Is there anything else you know that I don't? I am clearly at a disadvantage here."

"Oh, I never meant to—. I just mentioned the food because I was a little surprised you never said anything. Altho—"

"Do you also think I'm unhappy?" I cut her off.

"With some things, yeah," she answers me without hesitating, and I chuckle incredulously at the irony of this talk.

"…"

Then she lifts the palm of her hands toward me, "Hear me out, though…"

"…"

"Remember when you told me you felt like you should have meddled even more in my and Shiori's relationship?"

"I do…" the simple answer burns my throat.

"Ok. Good…" she starts, but pauses for a while before continuing, "For a long time I couldn't understand why you felt that way. I mean, yeah, you might have been able to keep her around for a bit longer, but what good would have that done in the end anyway? And how would have that benefited you at all?"

She stops and looks at the puzzle on the table, then back at me, then fills up her empty glass with more juice, "Only when I was already in college the answer finally dawned on me," she chuckles to herself and I wonder if Noriko and Shimako had anything to do with her coming to understand these things I find hard to comprehend anymore.

All the while my heart skips a beat at the realization that I might not have been the only one able to see right through her heart.

But if I did what I did, if I tried to help, was because I couldn't bear to watch her whither away without Shiori's light. If I did what I did, was because I, too, was scared of the repercussions of a public break-up. I tried to keep them together because I didn't know what else to do to keep that hurricane contained.

I tried to help out of fear. Whatever I did was done cowardly, but that I can never tell her.

"…"

I am terrified that she is going to finally tell me what is hidden in my heart –which would make things much easier for me as I have chosen not to listen to it any longer– but she is a better person than I am, "You meddle in all of our lives, you think it's alright to say whatever is on your mind whenever is convenient for you, but when it comes down to yourself, you set fire to the bridge that can bring us to you."

_This Sei is something else, I tell you. _

"Whatever burden you have, Youko. Whatever it is… you don't have to carry it all by yourself."

"…"

"I've always hated your strength anyway."

Her words make my heart flutter.

And if it that is not enough, she reaches across the table, her fingers landing atop of mine, the contact making me jolt on my seat.

But she proceeds nonetheless.

She takes my hand in hers, her thumb runs across my knuckles, and she holds on to me, tighter than anyone has ever held on to me before.

This is not pity. This is not remorse. This is not whatever Rosa Chinensis would wrongly assume this to be.

In my heart I know this is acceptance, and it's more than I will ever deserve from her, though it's only fitting that she is the one to offer so openly.

And now, all I know is that the bit of order which I had been holding on to in my heart is completely gone, replaced with pandemonium, a maelstrom misplacing everything inside of me, and ironically enough, I am more than okay with this chaos.

###

I meet Takahashi-sama while my mind is still spinning with Sei's words. He places a bowl of soup and a plate of rice with stir-fried vegetables and tofu in front of me, "Nothing with a face, right, Youko-chan?" he tells me smiling, then hits Sei in the back of the head on his way back downstairs, "Don't drink all my beer, Sei."

His face looks terribly familiar, and though I wrack my brain trying to figure out where I have seen him before, I cannot, to save my life, pinpoint where I know him from.

"Bah! Takahashi-kun!" she says in a childish voice, "It's not even—. Keep hitting me like that and I'll leave without filling up the soda machine with ice!"

Then she looks back at me, her cheeks flushing at the realization I've been watching this comical interaction between her and old Takahashi-sama.

"Erm…"

"…"

"Try the food, Youko. Takahashi makes anything taste good."

So I do as she says, and once again she is right, Takahashi-sama's food is nothing short of incredible.

I thank her a bit hesitantly for asking Takahashi to make something off the menu, but she dismisses me with a nod, going back to her plate.

We eat in silence for a long while. Every time I drink half of my juice she tops me off. Once in a while she stares at the puzzle to her left, then she picks up a loose piece, examining it then placing it along with the assembled ones.

Then as I ready myself to ask her about the puzzle box, my cell phone buzzes in my purse and hers dings on the table. She looks up at me, lifting an eyebrow, then reaches for it, "What the—" is her response to the text message.

"Did you know about this?" she flips her phone around and hands it to me.

"I had no idea."

"What kind of meddler are you anyway?"

"One with major issues, if you haven't realized yet."

"So, they told Touro-sama…" she trails off.

"And he is not mad…"

"Fukuzawas are probably delighted that Yumi is finally out-out."

"I thought Yuuki was the only one who knew..."

"Have you met Miki-san?" she asks with a chuckle.

"Yes, but…"

"She knew about me the moment I introduced myself to her."

"Don't exaggerate."

"I'm not! Miki-san just knows those things… Never once asked me about Yumi, though. But could see right through all of the Yamayurikai gays."

"Come to think of it, she was always very observant."

"I lost count of how many times we'd all be meeting at the Fukuzawas… I'd go in the kitchen just to hang out with Miki-san and Fukuzawa-sama. They'd be drinking beer and I'd help them shove fried tofu in the middle of rice for onigiri, and we'd joke about Rei and Yoshino, and they'd poke fun of my inability to understand the most simple of concepts," she giggles with delight at those memories, then gets back on track, "So… this means…" she points at her phone in my hands, "…in about a month we will be sipping on expensive champagne and pretending we're respectable young maidens again… Do you remember where you left your mask? I'm pretty sure I've lost mine…"

I look at her, wondering how to respond, _"Mine is still right here," _I could tell her, and raise a waterfall of questions I don't feel like answering right now. So instead, I scoff at her remark much like Rosa Chinensis would have done years ago.

"But seriously, though, did they have to have this engagement party at such a fancy place? Couldn't they just do it at the Ogasawara's?"

"Are you really still surprised, Sei?"

"I'd be happier at the Fukuzawa's."

"With Miki-sama making rice balls in the kitchen?"

"…"

"I think it's better that way: the nicest place to house a handful of Lillian maidens inconspicuously stripped down from their masks."

"You do have a point, there."

"Don't I always?"

It's her turn to scoff at my question.

"…"

"So," she says, reaching for the second bottle of juice she had opened a second ago, and filling up my glass, "I'll wear those shoes and you'll wear that dress?" she asks me in English.

"Wh—"

"Sachiko will want you to wear a dress, right?"

"Most likely, yes."

" I think I'll play safe with a kimono."

"You've always worn them better than me…"

She thanks me politely, and I can swear I see a slight flush on her cheeks, but it might just be the warm food. Then she looks at me, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips, "So, it's a date, then!"

###

"Say, Youko…"

We're outside; she stretches her back, her hands behind her head.

"Hmm?

"Walk up the road with me?"

"Up the r—"

She cuts me off saying she would like to show me something, "It'll only take a minute," she adds, and though I don't believe her, I have nowhere else to go, so I agree with a nod and follow her.

There's a park hidden behind an old cobblestone road and if one were to stand on a bench, they could see the city through the thick foliage of the Red Maples lining the perimeter. Sei walks in front of me like she owns the place.

She takes a look at her watch, "Good. Come with me," she says, entering a convenience store, headed to the slush machine, "We'll need a big one of these," she pours the thick icy drink into a cup I hope she plans on sharing, then grabs two bottles of water, and two green teas.

"Gotta have some of these, too" she says, picking up a bag of candy, and looking at me, "These are good for you, too, right?"

So I give her my seal of approval with a soft ,"Hmhm," and she reads the labels of a few other bags, leaving some behind, but taking enough to give a sumo wrestler diabetes.

Then she heads to the cash register to pay for the items we chose, walking out of the store with a satisfied grin.

We cross the street side-by-side; her arm presses against mine once, twice, and I catch myself slightly leaning into her just to draw out that contact by a half-second. And she says nothing, pointing at old houses and telling me the year they were built, "… and the oldest one is that one over there with the green-ish door. See it?"

I nod and she smiles, then she wraps her arm around my shoulder and brings me closer to her, "I'm glad I was able to see you today, Youko."

"Me too," my half-hearted answer belies all of these feeling I have, begging me to let them flourish, begging me to let them explode, to color my chest in a rainbow of roses.

And colors she makes me feel as we return to the park and the Red Maples swallow us into brief darkness before the sun shines on us again softly as it readies itself to set.

Then a ranch-style house appears before us. She excuses herself as she pulls away from me to fish out her keys from her pocket, then she unlocks the gate and walks in. I follow behind warily even though I know Sei wouldn't have keys to a stranger's home.

There's a pool out in the back; a deck with a round table faces the water, though she ignores it and walks pass the chaise lounges around the pool, heading toward a garden sofa that surrounds a metal fire-pit. Only then she throws herself atop of the couch, the cushions complain a bit but hold her weight with ease.

I take a seat by her, slowly; both my hands sweep the skirt of my dress forward before I make contact with the sofa.

"On our first year of high school, my dad got a promotion from work, remember?" she asks me out of the blue as she hands me the bottle of water we just purchased, I reply with a nod and let her expand, not really knowing where she is about to go with this conversation, "He started traveling a lot, and I rarely saw him."

"It was just your mom and you for a long time, I remember…"

"That all happened because of Takahashi."

"O-oh…"

"It's not as bad as it sounds…" she tries to alleviate the heaviness of her accusation, "The reason why my dad was promoted was because Takahashi retired. So I always say he is responsible for dad being away, although I know that he is not to blame at all."

"I see…"

"They're really good friends, dad and Takahashi, I mean, so we've known each other for years now."

She takes her shoes off and crosses her legs as if she's about to meditate. Then she tells me that Takahashi and her dad have known each other for more than ten years and when he retired, Takahashi felt terribly bad about little Sei not having her father around. So much so that he'd go visit Sei often, and always bearing gifts.

"When all of that stuff with Shiori happened, he was the only adult who listened to me without judgment… He made me feel normal when everyone else had a distorted image of me. Takahashi was the little spec of sanity in that mess I had made."

At that I finally realize where I had seen Takahashi-sama before: the Christmas we almost lost Sei. I can now remember clearly seeing him run through the automatic doors of the ER, leaning on the counter and frantically speaking to the attendant who immediately took him inside. He was there for Sei. When no other adult even knew what was happening, Takahashi-sama was there.

Today she seems so calm as she speaks of such turbulent times. Once in a while a smile tugs at her lips, and she wears it without an ounce of bitterness.

I cannot make myself stop looking at her. I cannot stop myself from opening my ears to her stories, taking in her voice which has been coated with peacefulness.

In the middle of my own storm, I let her be the steady sound of raindrops among the loudness of thunder.

"So I am forever indebted to him. And because I feel this way, I decided I'd help out with the restaurant."

"Ah!"

"But then he started to pay me, saying that he didn't feel like he did anything extraordinary… that his accepting me goes beyond whom I fall in love with."

"Sei…" her name leaves my lips in a whisper.

She smiles at me.

And I catch myself in a whirlwind of white rose petals.

"Oh, don't be all sentimental, Youko! What I wanted to say is that I hang out at the restaurant a lot, and here, too," she opens her arms wide, making me wonder if she is trying to hold on to all that surround her –and though I would never admit this out loud, at least right now, I hope I am also part of these things she wants close to her–.

So she tells me more stories about Takahashi-sama and Hitomi-sama, and about endless nights she spent in the attic of that old house. And we sip on the blue slushy until she looks at her watch, picks up her shoes and the convenience store bag and invites me to follow her again, stopping by a bin and taking a towel with her, which she drapes atop of her shoulder as she walks to the side of Takahashi's house.

Then she looks up at a ladder built against the house, "C'mon," she says, "I'll go first," she adds, and I assume she is being considerate, given the fact that I am wearing a dress.

I shouldn't be surprised by the garden on this rooftop; yet, I cannot help but be fascinated by the flowers and summer herbs sprouting from these planters.

Sei moves a few chairs away from a back wall and lays a towel on the floor for us. She opens up the bags of candy and props them up against one another, then twists the lid of the green tea before handing it to me.

And I accept her offer, taking a seat by her. Back against the wall, her shoulder presses against mine and I look at her mesmerized by the simplicity of this moment that we get to share together.

If we had just met this morning, she had just introduced herself to me today, I am positively sure this is when I'd fall for her. Avoiding it would be trying to avoid a thunderstorm during monsoon season: it doesn't only catches you off-guard, it soaks your soul, sweeps you away with the current.

But we both have a history of disagreements and screaming matches. She has a history of running away, and I, of saying too much.

The sun is setting, and we remain wordless, staring across the red-stained sky, until she looks at me in the stillness of this evening. And I must humbly admit that the Tokyo lights in the distance are no match for her eyes –not when she is smiling like this, only for me–.

I look up at her, my smile now matching hers, then she cups my face with one hand, dragging her thumb across my cheekbone. And I cannot stop myself from bringing my hand up to hers. I lean into her touch as if she is the only thing anchoring me to this rooftop.

_I hope she knows that if she lets go, I will float away._

Only but a slither of the sun still fights to stay abreast, a defeat we all know will happen sooner than later, and as darkness swallows us, her lips land on my forehead, the tenderness of this moment making my world spin out of its axis.

Rosa Chinensis would have pushed Sei away, slapping her on the face and demanding an explanation for these _thoughtless_ actions. Rosa Chinensis would have also denied her racing heart, the butterflies painting her chest in colors she has never seen before, that I have never seen before.

But for the first time, maybe ever, I would rather be anyone but Rosa Chinensis; anything but perfect, or arrogantly righteous. Right now, I much rather be scared, unsure, unpretentiously human. Human like Sei has always fought to be: full of flaws, of hesitance, of bad decisions –but human nonetheless–.

Because I am not Rosa Chinensis, I let my fingers move on their own accord. I am now the one cupping Sei's face, and as she withdraws her lips from my head, my mouth carefully finds hers.

Like New Year's Eve, fireworks explode inside my chest; and God, I want her to see my sky painted in her colors.

I lean in, begging for this moment to last a little longer; my once free hand now firmly anchored to the ground, so I can reach for her a second time even before her lips part completely from mine.

She sighs as my tongue finds a new home in her mouth. And in response, she leans into me; one of her hands secures my back until I am lying flat on the floor; though she holds her chest up and away from mine – but that's how Sei is, conscious of everything even when I fail at it.

But much too soon she reaches out for air, and I remember that I, too, should breathe. Nevertheless, she stares at me for an eternity before lying beside me.

As I wonder how long until we have to speak of this crime we are now accomplices to, she looks up at the sky in front of us, mindlessly bringing her fingers to her lips, "I just kissed Mizuno Youko," she proclaims to the universe ahead of her like it was the most sacred of secrets. I wonder if she has forgotten I am here, too. That I am part of this universe she is confiding in.

She answers my unspoken question by looking at me, silently, as the sun-powered bulbs flicker around us.

_Sei is most wonderful when she is just herself. _

"Youko…" she starts, finally acknowledging me again, "That kiss… It was…" she trails off, smiling at me instead of finishing her sentence.

I chuckle, not knowing how to respond properly either, "_Best I've ever had,"_ I could say, but then only Maria-sama knows how she would take it, and the last thing I want to do is to spoil this night.

"For someone who has always known their strengths, I'm surprised you've never bragged about that tongue."

"Sei!"

"What?!"

"Really?"

"It's a compliment, Youko!" she says matter-of-factly, then places her lips upon my cheek, the contact lasts a while, so I get to close my eyes and indulge in this little slice of heaven she has brought me –I wonder if this is sacrilegious, especially after hearing about her aversion of religion from her own mouth so many times, but tonight she is my heaven–. The solar-powered lights brighten this island we are engulfed in, out in the horizon, Tokyo also shines, though, Sei is the one keeping my darkness away.

"Come to think of it, you've always been good at giving compliments; never very good at receiving them."

I disagree with her, but then go on to tell her I simply have an eye for people's strengths. I go on to explain "How is this person different than I am? Different than the people around me are?" I explain, then expand a bit more, opening up about something nobody has ever asked before. "Some people are gifted, others work hard to achieve what they dream of becoming, but whether one is a Torii Eriko, or an Ogasawara Sachiko, everyone has their super-powers. I just like to point them out once in a while."

"…"

"What?"

"I forgot how your freckles come out in the summertime."

"Sei…" I breathe out while my face burns at that comment.

"They're wonderful," she confesses, taking the final hit to this dam full of feelings. I am ashamed for waiting so long before allowing myself to feel all of it, all at once, and it's terrifying though absolutely breathtaking.

I see her blush, too, but she doesn't hide, she looks straight at me.

We lie together in silence for a long while, then she excuses herself for a minute, coming back with a blanket which she bundles up in a makeshift pillow that we share for another extended period. She sneaks one of her arms under my neck, and I inch closer to her. No matter how we lie, we fit, perfectly, like she was made to rest her arms around me, and my fingers were created with the sole purpose of lacing in hers.

But much to my dismay Takahashi-sama pokes his head into the deck while still standing on the ladder, "You kids decent?" he asks.

"Nope. I can't find my pants anywhere," Sei jokes as we sit up in time to see his shadow approach us.

"Youko-chan seems to have a more _refined_ taste, Sei."

"But I am a delicate flower!"

"Yeah, Rosa Gigantea…" he jokes.

"Not as delicate as Takahashi Gigantea," she jabs back.

"That's not a flower," I interrupt their teasing.

"You're not a flower!"

"You're not a flower!"

They say in harmony.

And Takahashi laughs at us like we are children.

Then he brings a chair close to us and sits down, looking at Tokyo, and we talk for another good hour. He tells stories of Sei, and she huffs and puffs at the incriminating punch lines of all his jokes.

But after a while he stands up, excusing himself and asking me to stay as long as I want, he even mentions it's Sei's turn to make breakfast in the morning, but I stand up too, and thank him for the hospitality, "I should get going. It's way past my bedtime," I add.

So, we walk down the ladder –they let me go first– and he says his farewell before walking into his house, Sei and I walk the opposite way, toward the streetlights.

"We should have thought this through, huh?" she asks.

"It is not that big a deal."

"Will you give me a ride back to Takahashi's?"

"No. I am just going to leave you here."

"That's just fair, I guess."

"I can take you home if you'd like…"

"Will you stay with me?"

"No."

"Then I'd rather stay at Takahashi's."

I unlock my car and say, "Okay," to her. And I leave it at that, not because I am one of those prude girls who 'don't put out on the first date,' but because it's Sei, and when it's Sei, I'm scared of what my heart will do. Because it's her I'm terrified I might fall too fast, too deep, without even realizing I'm doing so until it's too late and I am on my knees –figuratively, but also literally–.

I drive us back to Takahashi's, parking the car in front of garage. Then I look at her, "Thank you for today," I say, and she gives me a satisfied smile –she has clearly accomplished whatever she thought she would with today's rendezvous–, "My pleasure," she adds, and I let her lean into my side of the car, placing a kiss on my cheek. The contact lingers for an eternity, and I wish it could have lasted longer. I close my eyes, and I breathe in the last I will have of her for tonight. And it fills my heart with longing even though I haven't left her yet.

But I drive away, and I leave Takahashi's driveway hesitantly, wondering when I will wake up from this dream.


	2. Mercury

A/N: Hello! If you're out there reading this: thank you!

* * *

Sei has always been one to text. In high school her messages were always terribly cryptic, lacking important information, all over the place. Three days ago; however, she called me and didn't fumble when she asked me to meet her in Ebisu; giving me a what, when, and where –it was terrifying–.

I hesitated at first, and I know she could hear the uncertainty in my voice even though I cannot deny she has been the only thing on my mind since last Saturday.

She insisted nevertheless, throwing away the '_let's just forget everything that happened between us last time we met,'_ card –knowing very well that what happened a week ago was an abnormality, inexplicable even to our closest friends–. _We both should have really just counted our blessings for the simple fact we managed not to rip each other's eyes out._ What happened last week, as wonderful as it was… was most definitely not a reflection of who we really are –in more ways than one.

But she wanted to see me, and I found myself unable to say no to her even when I knew I should have politely declined the invitation; done what I always do with everything that brings light into my life: deny it, suppress it, shove it to the side.

This time; however, I allowed myself the luxury of spending time with her one last time, even if it was the same exact spineless decision Shiori made the last time she ran to meet Sei behind the old Chapel. The biggest difference here, though, is the way Sei felt toward Shiori back then versus how she has always felt about me.

Still, I said yes to Sei when what I should have really said was that we were better off almost-friends, almost close, almost whatever the fuck we have always been.

But it's no use anymore. Rosa Chinensis secures her mask against my face one more time before I exit this southbound train.

My eyes find Sei with incredible ease, like the red string of fate all along has tethered us to one another; only we couldn't see in the entanglement of all other threads which once surrounded and bound us to all the people we love.

Here she is, though; waiting for me right outside the station, two paper cups in hand. And she waltzes to meet me half-way down the stairs, then hands me one of the cups, "Hi, Youko," she says, leaning in and pressing her lips on my cheek –come to think of it, she spent last winter break with Shizuka in Italy; therefore, these side kisses are not to be mistaken–. But even knowing she is just doing things à la Satou Sei, I have to wage war against my heart so I don't just melt here in front of her.

Frozen, I hold my breath unable to conjure up a proper hello.

"The coffee shop over there," she dives into my silence, then points behind us, "…makes their own cashew milk," she finishes in a very Satou Sei way to reassure me I am safe to drink what she has ordered.

So I thank her a bit awkwardly because I am not done fighting the butterflies in my stomach.

"Don't mention it! This stuff is actually not half bad!" she says, drinking from her cup.

My response is a simple smile, then she points up again, this time toward a street full of shops, "I wanted to make a quick stop before we got dinner," she says to me, "Would that be okay with you?"

I tell her I'm alright with the mystery detour, and she smiles in return, reaching for my hand like she did numerous times last week but stopping when her fingertips graze my knuckles, "Sorry," she tells me, her cheeks redden in a blush I was not expecting at this time, "Maybe not out here, huh?"

"Right," I reply back, looking around us, relieved because I didn't have to make this decision myself, and thankful because there's always someone in the crowd watching –I wish it was only Maria-sama–.

We make small talk while we walk shoulder to shoulder; she asks me about my train ride, and tells me about hers, all the while I wonder when it has become so easy to be around her, sharing the same air with her without gasping for it.

"One of my friends from school works for the Tokyo Photographic Art Museum," she says as soon as we turn a corner, reaching a wide street, "I thought you'd like to take a peak?"

"It's been so long since I've visited…"

At that she jokes about the one time when our class took a trip there, and we both laugh at Eriiko's expense knowing very well she'd be okay with us mentioning her boredom of the world.

Then as we reach the entrance to the gallery, she knocks on the door, turning to address me with a smirk. And I don't have time to ask questions because the door is now being unlocked from the inside and a hand pulls Sei into the museum, and as she is being swallowed in, she reaches for my shirt. Chained to her all I can do is close my eyes and let my body get dragged in also.

Once inside I am introduced to Nakamura Taeko, a tiny pothead, who is a senior in college and an aspiring editor. We exchange pleasantries for a while even though she is still taken aback by the fact Sei has brought me along.

But much too quickly for me to understand why this is so unusual, Taeko dismisses us, claiming she still needs to do a last run through before she is ready to open to the public.

And Sei's name is all I can say when we get to the beginning of the exhibit.

"Is this okay?"

_Satou Sei is really something else. _

My response is a shy "Of course," though I wonder, who, in their right mind, would say no to a question posed with such care.

So I take a good look at her, trying not to show how madly my world is spinning right now. My chest overflows with adoration for this woman I have known forever, but really just met a week ago. And here it is again, this knot in my throat, this nostalgia, this yearning.

_And I see colors, all of them, all because of her. _

"The museum doesn't open for another 45 minutes," she says to me, and I take a look around; the few employees I saw earlier were all gathered at the front desk, which means we have the entire place to ourselves.

Someone switches on the radio and a quiet melody starts playing through the speakers catching me off guard. The song reminds me of the countless days I spent with Sachiko at the Ogasawara's when we first became soeurs. Sachiko is the only one who knows that, much like her, I spent the better part of my childhood pressing down on the ivory keys of a grand.

_I want Sei to know this, too._

_I want to tell her all of these secrets I have been holding on to for far too long._

She takes my hand in hers without hesitation this time, our fingers entwine and I think our souls touch, too, because I feel everything.

"Ready?" she asks me, and I follow her toward the center of the exhibit much like I would have followed her to the end of the world had she asked me.

I tell her I am ready, _"for you to want me," _I leave unsaid, terrified she will say she is too, or that she is not. Either way I wouldn't know what to do, or have the right words to explain to her that I am afraid of doing so, and that if it's her, then it's even more difficult. Because she is Satou Sei, and when it's Satou Sei then all I know is to disagree with her, point out her flaws, enter screaming matches with her, and expect blows to my face –which I, more often than not, deserve.

There must be at least fifty black-and-white photos of professionals in this room; doctors, construction workers, teachers, engineers, office workers, athletes – all women.

"These are…" I start and cannot conjure up the right words to explain how wonderful these photos are.

"Pretty good, huh?"

"Incredible," I barely manage to say.

"Katou-san worked super hard on them…"

At her comment, I finally look at the Artist's name underneath the frames in front of us. Along with the title of the photographs, there is also: _Photograph by Katou Kei, Lillian University Division. _

Immediately after reading the small print I look at Sei, "Your friend, Katou Kei?" I ask.

"Yeah!"

"Oh," is all I can say as my voice fails me.

_Will there always be someone ahead of me?_

Now I know why Taeko was confused with my being here with Sei.

So, I immediately let go of Sei's hand, and I feel her fingers chase after mine as I step away from her, ever so slightly, while pretending nothings in my heart has changed. Try as I might to hold on to her light, I fail terribly, and once again I am lost in this maze of darkness, terrified of opening my eyes.

And I am ashamed for wanting more from her than what she is willing to give. I am ashamed for not wanting her to fall in love again, for wanting her to share this loneliness with me.

I am also ashamed of my anger toward Kei just for being the person who gets to call Sei 'hers'.

Lastly, I am ashamed of myself for feeling like this, for letting this ugliness take over me.

So, I stare at the same photo for Maria-sama knows how long, trying to fight off the awfulness inside of me until I am brought back to Earth when someone calls out, "Satou-chan!" a guy about our age walks up to where she is.

"You're… not alone…" he says to her, but looks at me instead.

_If only he knew I am wondering the same thing as he is right now…_

"Ah, yeah, Sasaki-kun, this is my friend from high school, Mizuno Youko."

"Oh, you're—"

"Yes, I am." I interrupt him knowing very well what's to come: _"the Senator's daughter."_

"Pleasure meeting you, Mizuno-san, I'm Sasaki Yasuo," he shakes my hand and bows.

"Youko is fine."

"Youko-san," he finally settles down, but then gets a second wind as if he just remembered something, "Have you gotten to Hitomi-sama yet?" he asks Sei.

"She made the cut?"

" 'Course she did!" he says full of enthusiasm, "This way, I'll show you guys!"

Yasuo walks us to a wing of the exhibit we were yet to see; lo and behold, one of the pictures hanging on the wall amongst so many others is of Hitomi-sama holding several menus against her chest and smiling at a family inside Takahashi's restaurant.

Sei studies the picture for a while before turning to Yasuo, "Hitomi-sama is a milf!"

"Jesus, Sei!"

"Isn't she, though?"

"She's a good looking lady, yes," he says, his face beet red.

"Youko?"

"She is a beautiful woman, who shouldn't be addressed so vulgarly."

"Heh…"

"Did you know Kei took one of Satou-chan, too?"

"Sei has one, too?" I ask, my stomach churning.

"Satou-chan didn't want it out here…But if it wasn't for her picture, none of this would have happened!" Yasuo explains, then asks me to follow him into the back office so I could see it. I do so, and Sei follows behind.

Inside the office, Yasuo sits at the desk and powers on the computer, then digs through a few pages of pictures until he finally finds what he is looking for, "Ha! Right here!" he says, turning the monitor toward me.

As expected, much like the other photos out in the exhibit, this one is also breathtaking. And it's not because it's a photo of Sei, but also because it is, as this is a photo of a Satou Sei whose heart had been shattered in a millions pieces.

I look at the monitor, then back up at Sei, her silence speaking volumes on how she still feels about it all. But I don't say a word, I've learned I have no right to say anything, or pretend that I understand how she must have felt, because I honestly wouldn't even know how to start. I look back at the monitor, and there there's Sei, her hair, the shortest it has ever been. She's sitting at a bench in the grounds that could only be Lillian University Division, with a pen in one hand and a notebook in the other, but she's not looking down, her gaze is lost in the cherry blossom-lined path.

_She's thinking of old love, hoping for new love –anyone who can save her from whatever monster she had become._

"It's wonderful," I finally break the silence, thanking Yasuo for sharing the photo with me.

"My pleasure! Plus, I kinda like seeing Satou-chan squirm like this! It's fun!"

So, Yasuo thanks us for stopping by the exhibit and as we are about to walk out of the office, he calls out our names, "Come get drinks with us tonight!"

And Sei answers with a "Tonight might not work…"

"Ah, Youko-san, make her come! It's been too long!"

"I'll do my best," I tell him as I close the door behind us.

Back on the exhibit floor Sei remains awfully quiet.

"You can meet up with your friends tonight," I tell her once we stop to look at Hitomi-sama again, "I'll head home when we're done here."

"But what about dinner?"

"We can do dinner some other time," I lie.

"But you're here right now, and… I wanted to spend time with you…"

"…"

"Don't run away from me, Youko," she says with earnestness that pierces through all of the layers of my heart.

"Alright," I tell her, pretending I am okay with all of this, pretending that we wouldn't be better off had she just let me go.

"After that, if you want to, we can meet my friends."

"I might have to ask for a rain check on that."

"You know… you've already met the worst of them all anyway…"

"…"

"But Kei has a good handle on her man… so he won't be as stupid."

"Yasuo is…"

"Weird, right? He's an idiot, but has a good heart, Kei couldn't resist."

###

Even though at first she seems fine, we walk around the exhibit in dead silence, the distance between us growing by the minute, the thread which fastened us to one another is stretched out so thin it's impossible to feel it anymore.

The ghost of Shiori is also lodged between us, and even though I am the one by her side, I feel as if I am losing her to thoughts of a life when love poured out of her endlessly.

She forgets I'm around while she dwells in her past –that is the undeniable truth– and even if she swears she feels nothing toward Shiori any longer, there is a part of Sei who lived for Shiori, breathed for Shiori, loved for Shiori, and that part, is unquestionably still in existence.

But I don't have the strength to help her when I am here holding on tight to my own heart, and hoping it won't exit my body through my mouth.

This rollercoaster of feelings, these ups and downs, these are things I never thought I'd experience around her, because of her.

_How ironic it is for me to be torn inside because of Satou Sei; for me to have been so upset thinking that she and Kei were together._

Misery does love company, and I think Rosa Chinensis feels good now, knowing that Sei, too, still thinks of Shiori, hurts for Shiori, longs for a love long lost.

When we finally leave the main exhibit floor, I excuse myself in the lobby, headed to the restroom. She stays behind, sitting by the front door while I all but run away from her.

And I make it there at the nick of time, just as all of these feelings brewing inside of me explode.

I heave a breath of both relief and desperation over the sink, both my hands covering my mouth in this failed attempt to muffle the sounds of this pain. And even with all of this lack of light, even with this cloak of darkness around my bones, I cannot stop thinking about how much her aching is a million times deeper than mine. Shiori didn't just slice Sei's heart, Shiori cut straight through it, and if I am feeling the way I am right now with these paper cuts, I cannot, to save my life, fathom how Sei is still breathing.

So, I look at my reflection in the mirror, and I see a million broken pieces of Mizuno Youko instead of the well put together Rosa Chinensis.

_I hope to Maria-sama Satou Sei likes mosaics_.

I hope to Maria-sama that one day Sei will be able to see all of these scatter pieces of me in the sunlight –it would be nice to project all of my colors at her; for once being her light even thought she doesn't need a guide.

And so, the tears I thought would keep pouring out of me like a broken dam get swallowed by all of these feelings inside my chest; by this yearning I have to show her my own brokenness.

###

"Are you okay?" Sei asks me once we step outside of the museum. So I tell her I am fine, even though my heart is exploding inside my chest.

She smiles at me in return, her shoulder accidentally pressing against mine, "I'm glad," she says, then after a brief silence she continues on, "Look, Youko," she starts, "I need to apologize to you."

"…"

"Sasaki-kun shouldn't have brought up that photo."

"…"

"It's so stupid" she chuckles a bit awkwardly, "but…"

"But it's Lillian," I come to her rescue, "and cherry blossoms in spring. I understand."

"You do?"

"I think so. It's understandable isn't it?"

"You mean it?"

"I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it, Sei."

At that she thanks me, and I am not sure if I can play this part for much longer. Though I know where she is coming from, where she has been, what her heart has been through, I, too, know that she will never think of me as someone who could fight for her, shelter her, truly love even the weakness in her –even if these truths come out of my mouth, even if one day I am insane enough to tell her these things, we all know that Sei deserves better than my coward heart.

We walk side-by-side, her knuckles grazing mine, speeding up my heartbeat, awakening all the butterflies inside my chest.

"We're here," she tells me when we reach a cross-road, then she looks up at the corner building, "If we hurry, we'll catch another sunset…"

My answer is a head nod as the words somehow harden my throat.

As we go up the stairs I scold myself yet again for not just ending this earlier, for allowing myself to get buried deeper in this quicksand of feelings I have for her, but then she looks back at me; her smile makes my world spin madly.

And it's not as if I have always been attracted to her, or as if I spent my entire adolescence secretly watching her from afar, wanting her to look at me, to see me as a potential someone she could love. No. The only intention I had as we met, grew closer, then apart, then pretended to get along in order to run the Yamaurikai, was that she saw me as an equal, as someone she could trust, someone who wouldn't betray her –as a friend.

Still, out of all of my failures as Rosa Chinensis, not being able to have Sei see me as a true friend takes first place without a shadow of doubt.

_###_

We sit outside at a balcony which allows us this wonderful view of the setting sun.

"Can we take a look at your alternate menu, please?" Sei asks the waiter after we order drinks. And we witness the ending of yet another day together over vodka sodas and appetizers I am okay admitting I have never heard of before.

This is madness, I finally recognize –to still be here, sitting across from her, hearing the ice in her drink clank against the glass as she takes a last sip and motions the waiter for a refill–.

It is complete madness to sit here and be able to chuckle at her jokes, to be utterly taken by her thoughtfulness when she asks time and time again if I am okay, if I need more water, if the food is to my liking.

I have gone mad –giving myself the luxury to think that maybe my place could really be here, beside her, tucked in a bar in a corner of Tokyo where nobody knows of our tempestuous past, of my cowardice; where people look at us and just see two friends sipping on cheap liquor, catching up on life, enjoying the sunset–.

"You ready for another one?"

"Oh, right, yes."

She chuckles at my answer but flags the waiter right away.

So, I laugh at her antics, poke fun at her eagerness to get me inebriated, and she takes the teasing lightheartedly, she never seems bothered by the small things which is something I envy her for –terribly if I must add–.

Her laughter is contagious, and I giggle along. And we tell each other stories of our college life, of classmates who became friends, of friends who out of a sudden turned into strangers, of professors we would like to be more like.

She places her heart on display for me to see; unabashedly unashamed of opening up, of telling me how hard it was for her to leave Lillian University after her first year there, how difficult it was to make friends at her new school. Then she tells me how meeting Yasuo changed many things for her, and after that she wasn't ever alone.

Between her serious confessions and our fits of laughter, I let an undeniable truth slip pass me, "I'm just afraid my decisions have not been the best ones so far…"

So she looks at me, her face as serene as Shimako's always been even in the most pressing of moments, then she looks out into the night light, and back at me, "I can't think of one thing you've done wrong in your life, Youko. If you're afraid of not being able to follow your mom's footsteps, that's understandable, she's done well for herself, but you're not Mizuno-sama, and nobody is keeping tabs on what you achieve or fail at."

"…"

She leans in, her elbows pressed on the table, "Mizuno-sama has always been a good woman, and she'll probably be the first to say you can do whatever you want with your life so long as you're happy…"

_Sei has matured so much in these past few years, she's left us all behind, fending for ourselves in these matters of the heart._

However, even though she is absolutely right, even though she knows as well as I do what mom thinks, I still feel the pressures of being my mother's daughter.

"Sachan should give you a few lessons on patience… Op! Ha! Did that really just come out of my mouth?"

"We both know the reason why it's completely fine for you to say these things…"

"The reverse warashibe choja…"

"Because Sachiko kept the straw?"

"That straw was gold."

"And kindness," I add.

"And patience."

"And unconditional love."

"We always end up putting Yumi-chan on a pedestal…" she chuckles.

"Because that's where she belongs."

"But she's no better than you…"

"I would beg to differ!"

"Really, Youko?"

"If there was ever a pedestal I've shattered it myself," I admit. Then I look at her, lifting my index finger to begin a count, "impatient, insufferable, meddlesome, loud-mou—"

She stops me mid-word, and she puts my pinky down, "smart," she starts, moving to my ring finger, "kind," she continues, "caring." Then she holds on to my index finger, and she looks at me, like no one else has ever looked at me before, "enough," she concludes.

_And here it is again, this white rose whirlwind sweeping me off my feet_.

So I blush, and she blushes, and we go back to our almost empty drinks, pretending that the melted ice cubes taste as sweet as this interaction we just happened to have.

She looks out into the Ebisu lights for a short while, then she turns to me a bit abruptly if I'd say so, "Wanna get out of here?" she asks.

I look at my watch, "Can we walk to where your friends are?"

And I guess that was not the answer she was expecting from me because she fumbles a bit before telling me the bar is about a half-hour walk, and she suggests we hop on a ride share.

"You don't want to walk?" I ask.

"That far with those shoes?" she points at my feet.

So, she insists in paying for our dinner, "It's my treat because I invited you," she justifies, "You can buy me a drink later, Youko."

And at that we leave the restaurant and jump into the ride share she had summoned while we were still trying to figure out how we were going to split the bill.

When we arrive at the bar Yasuo is already there, "Kei-chan and Taeko-san won't get off work for another hour," he explains after he greets us. So we sit at the bar with him while we wait for a table to open up.

I watch Sei chuckle at Yasuo's "Satou-san looks like she needs a beer," comment, and then mentions she doesn't want to mix her alcohol. They go on a tangent and I get distracted on my phone –Touko is freaking out about her onee-sama's engagement party and I end up with the very taxing job of appease this spitfire.

In my trying to make sure Touko is not going to murder anyone, I don't realize Sei has ordered me a mixed drink, pushing it in front of me. So, I apologize for the moment of distraction, and explain to both Sei and Yasuo my dilemma, which makes Sei laugh, "give me your phone, Youko," she asks.

"No! You'll end up saying something stupid and she'll cry."

"I'll do none of that!"

"But you will!"

"I won't, Rosa Chinensis," she says, and somehow her tone brings back all the memories of the screaming matches, the mental pushing and shoving, the exhausting and never ending cold war between us, "I am _not_ Rosa Chinensis!" I tell her a bit louder than I had planned on.

"Okay, Okay, okay!" She responds, clearly not expecting my outburst.

"You can call Touko-chan yourself."

"Alright then," she tells me, pulling her phone from her back pocket and making a call."

"Touko-chin!" she says into the phone.

"…"

"Gokigenyou. Is Kana-chan there?"

"…"

"Lemme talk to her."

"…"

"Put her on the phone, Touko."

"…"

"Ah, Kana-chin!" She says, a smile tugging at her lips. And she pushes my drink closer to me, motioning with her head for me to try it while she walks away. The last thing I hear from the conversation is, "Where are you guys at?" Then Sei walks out of the bar.

Though I have no idea what she has just ordered, I take a sip of the drink, trusting that her judgment is better than mine. The tropical explosion in my mouth tells me Satou Sei has become an expert in Mizuno Youko while I don't know who I am anymore.

Not much longer after she leaves, Sei rejoins us, "Mission accomplished," she says, "I told Kanako-chin to break Touko's fingers," she says and laughs at her own crude joke.

Then she points at my drink and goes, "Is that good?"

"Hmhm."

"I'm glad!" she says as if she has already forgotten my freaking out.

As we sit at the bar, her other friends trickle in: guy pothead first, then Taeko and Kei, followed by girl with paint on her hair, and finally girl in red glasses.

Rosa Chinensis would have made a harder effort to remember their names; however, Rosa Chinensis can go fuck herself, and leave me here with a couple more of these fruity drinks.

I don't hear Sei order a second round, but as if the world is listening to my internal hatred toward someone I once was, another full glass appears in front of me. So I drink it slowly while I listen to chuckles and squeals mixed in these stories of drunken bicycle rides, and terrible poetry slams. The volume of their voices rising with each beer they drink, and each shot their order, but it's not a terrible sound, this cacophony, these gut-laughs, they are the echoes of belonging.

And I translate them into colors, secondary ones: an amalgam of beautiful which culminates in wonderful. This is when the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

Another hour goes by and we finally move to a booth in a corner of the bar. Her friends continue to talk and I keep on listening until I am asked a shallow question here, and a Sei question there. I answer them to the best of my abilities without trying to incriminate neither one of us.

Sei also makes small talk around the table which is another first for me to hear. It is nice; however, to hear her chuckle and banter with people who clearly adore her and want nothing but the best for her. Acceptance was exactly what we were never able to fully give her in the Rose Mansion –at least not until Shimako came around, until Yumi barged into our lives–.

_I should have done more when I had the chance, _I conclude, much too late to be able to do anything about it.

###

When the bar closes, we make our way to an old flat upstairs. Girl with paint in her hair rents the place from her uncle who happens to own the bar we were just drinking at.

And we all manage to sit on this makeshift bench out in the veranda, our drinks piled up on the table in front of us.

"Pour Maki a beer, too, you shithead!" Sei tells Yasuo, who happens to come out from the kitchen holding on to a freshly opened bottle. Sei immediately blushes as she looks at me with eyes wide open.

"Ah! Kei-san needs a refill, too, Satou-chan!" guy pothead adds.

"Did you know Satou-chan had the mouth of a sailor, Youko-san?" Yasuo asks me.

"This is actually only the second time I have heard her curse…" is my answer, which raises hell around this table. A tsunami of voices crash onto me; everyone –at the same time– trying to tell me how terrible Satou Sei is. And I laugh while she flushes at the examples used by her friends.

"She makes them up, too!"

"She builds up on existing ones, too!"

"Don't forget she says them in different languages, too!"

"How many languages do you speak again, Satou-san?"

"Three, four on a good day," she mumbles before she stands up.

"Where are you going, Satou-san?"

"I'm gonna go pee pee, you fuckface!" she tries to sound angry but nobody buys it, and we all burst into laughter as she disappears into the kitchen.

When she comes back, Yasuo has taken her seat at the bench, but she doesn't seem fazed at all, she simply walks up to me and plops down on my lap, "Let me know when I get too heavy," she tells me as if this is a normal thing we do.

_It's okay_, I reason. This is a safe place for her, so it can be a safe place for me, too.

So, I wrap my left arm around her, and I press her close to my chest as I lean forward to reach for my drink with my free hand. I can feel her ribs on my forearm, the palm of my hand burns against her stomach, and I feel like crying when I press my cheek against her back; her shirt smells of fresh laundry mixed with the faint scent of her perfume. I inhale deeply, and I swear to Maria-sama, I could die right now. This is as close to heaven I will ever get.

My mind drifts back to last week, when my mouth found hers in the dusk of Takahashi's roof.

_I_ kissed her.

Not the other way around.

It was my decision, the desire of _my_ heart.

But maybe I am reading too much into this because other than inviting me out, nothing that she has said or done so far alludes to the fact that she might be interested in discussing what happened last week in more detail. Maybe this is just the simple way she has decided to deal with her losing Shiori, I just happened to be yet another casualty of her charming ways.

"Are you alright?" She asks me quietly, and I respond with a quick nod and a smile.

"They can be pretty rowdy, huh?"

"It's nice, though."

"Kinda different from the Rose Mansion, isn't it?"

"In a good way..."

"I think so, too," she says with a satisfied chuckle.

"We were such liars," I breathe out.

"… We just tried too hard."

"We were idiots."

"But we learned, right?"

"Right…" I lie to her.

We go back to the bantering, and the teasing, and the laughter. At no point anyone questions us, asks us what we are, looks at us differently, insinuates we are anything but one of them.

And the drinking slows down, but the conversation remains lively until it's way past time to go home. Inevitably, late into the night, or early into the morning, as some might prefer, we see a couple of her friends out, then Taeko follows girl with paint in her hair, AKA Maki, back to her bedroom.

Kei also says goodnight to us and walks in, then before Yasuo closes the kitchen door he asks, "Will you guys be really okay on the tatami?"

"Don't worry about us, Sasaki-kun."

"You sure?"

"Yeah! We've played slumber party a couple times before…"

"You Lillian girls, always surprising me…"

"Night, Sasaki-kun!"

When Yasuo walks in, Sei turns to me, "We'll be okay, right?"

"We're always okay."

At that she leans back, resting her head on the brick wall behind us. She look up at the sky and inhales deeply, "That's not true," she concludes.

So I look at her, puzzled by the confession, "Is that so?"

"We were horrible to each other, Youko. I don't think that qualifies as _always okay._"

"The pretending that all was fine was exhausting," I admit.

"And all the bullshit propriety, and the faking we were apt to take on petite soeurs of our own when we were as lost as they were."

"I agree with you…"

"One thing is being lost by ourselves; it's a completely different story having the responsibility to save someone else while we, alone, are drowning."

"Maybe the petite soeur is there to save us, and not the other way around?"

"Was Sachan like that?"

"We were both lost, so it was nice to have company..."

"Same with Shimako and me. Sometime I wonder how we were able to find a way out of that labyrinth..."

"And Noriko?"

"Saved us? You bet she did…"

"Yumi did the same for us."

"I figured as much…" she finishes, laughing a bit awkwardly at these outdated confessions, then she looks up at the sky again, "I'm glad you came out with us," she says, a smiles reaching her eyes, making me beg Maria-sama not to end this night.

"I'm glad, too, Sei."

###

"–ko…" I think I hear.

"—ko-chan," I must be dreaming.

"Hi," I say when my eyes finally decide they're ready to open.

"C'mon…" Sei whispers.

I survey the living room for a clock, six thirty five, it reads. So I crinkle my nose, trying hard to imitate Sachiko, but Sei sees right through it, chuckling softly, "I'll get you coffee if you come with me," she says with a smile tugging at her lips which she fights knowing well she can't win.

That smile is another first in the repertoire of firsts which I am learning to cherish, to burn deeply in the depths of my memory.

I get up, and I follow her to the door.

She sets my shoes in front of me once the front door closes behind us, then hands me my purse after I manage to put my shoes on.

As we walk down the stairs she grazes her knuckles against mine, and I accept the invitation with no hesitation this time. Her hands are warm, but that simple contact is enough to set my heart ablaze.

The thought of her voice addressing me so sweetly just a few minutes ago heats up my blood, and I can feel this flush reach the top of my ears.

"You look like Yumi-chan."

"Wh-what?"

"Sound like her, too!" she laughs heartily. "What are you thinking about, Youko?" she probes like the devil woman she is.

"None of your business."

"Oh. Okay, okay," she says apologetically, which is all it takes for my heart to melt.

"Earlier…" I start my hesitant confession, then look at her to find her staring back, "The way you called me…" but I trailed of, afraid to continue.

"Oh…"

"It's not bad!" I try to explain, "It's just… I haven't… You haven't…"

She smiles at me, serenity enveloping her entire body, "It just came out… like I had called you that our whole lives…"

"…"

"Did I offend you?"

"No!" I tell her with conviction which makes my entire body tremble. And I try to find the right words to tell her it was the sweetest thing I have ever heard from anyone, without handing my heart to her, so I settle for a quick, "…It was nice." And she lets our silence swallow the awkwardness between us.

So, she stops at a vending machine, pushes a couple buttons, and when she turns to address me, she hands me a can of hot coffee, then we jump into a ride share.

She holds both of our drinks while I drift in and out of sleep. My head rests on her shoulder, her warmth leaving these indelible marks on my soul, tattooing her name on every inch of me that comes in contact with her, branding me like I now belong to her and no one else in this world can claim me theirs any longer.

"Youko-chan," she says again, her hand cupping my face, "This is me," she tells me.

So she opens the passenger door and jumps off, waiving at me as the ride share driver start to reverse into the street, but then as if she has forgotten something in the car, Sei calls out to me, "Youko!" my own name making my heart skip a beat because it's her voice pronouncing these syllables.

The lady stops the car and I roll down my window.

"Can we meet again?" she poses the question with unexpected seriousness, "I don't want to impose, but I can't just let you go like this; not knowing when I'll see you next…" And she stares at me from the sidewalk, rocking on her toes and heels, her hands deep in her back pockets.

But my hesitation erases the smile from her face.

"It's okay, you know..." she says, and I quickly explain I am leaving today with my parents for Hiroshima and will not return until Monday morning.

"Oh, I-I see," she says quietly, "Uh… how… how about you text me when you get back? We c-could get coffee again…"

"Sure," is the laconic answer I give her, because I am pretty sure my heart has exploded.

"Then…" she wavers a bit, and I feel it in the tightness of my chest, "I'll see you soon, Youko." she finishes, while reaching into the car and pressing her lips on mine with such earnestness, I forget who I am.


	3. Mars

A/N: If anyone thinks this chapter is pushing the envelope in content, please, let me know and I will pull it from this sequence and publish it with a different rating.

Thank you for reading :)

* * *

Mom parks the car and without thinking twice I jump out, grabbing my bag from the trunk of her car only to toss it in mine. This torrent of feelings I have not felt in years come crashing against my chest every time Sei's name crosses my mind. And I must admit that I have, for far too long, kept my heart from making decisions that some might find hasty. I have, for far too long, rejected the freedom I was given to be unapologetically myself, but today… today my heart is in the driver's seat, and I let it be as I open my car door and hop in, "I need to go," I tell my parents.

For someone who has always been reckoned responsible, I speed up on the highway, drive through yellow lights, pass people on the right side of the road.

And now I am running up flights of stairs as if I stopped my heart would also stop, as if I don't see her, then this longing in my chest might as well kill me.

Without knowing whether she is home or not, I knock on her door. Only when my hand stops moving I realize I have no reason to be here; showing up unannounced on a Saturday night when I told her I wouldn't be back in town until Monday.

"Youko!" she says with worry when she answers the door.

"…"

"Is everything okay?

My mouth opens, and then it closes again.

"Are the girls okay?"

Standing in front of her I forget how to speak, so I have to muster all of my strength just to give her a nod. And my heart overflows with these feelings I cannot explain, with these colors I have never seen before.

I know what she looks like; Sei's face is undeniably traced in the deepest layers of my memories, but though I am looking at her, and I know this is Sei, and I know these are her eyes, her lips, her nose; my God, I cannot shake the fact that today she is more beautiful than she has ever been.

She is beautiful all right, but her heart is most wonderful. Her mind went straight to her friends when she opened the door and saw me here, _"are the girls okay?"_ means all of them, the people she loves the most, _"are the girls okay?"_ means _"is my heart okay?"_ I know it because we share the same love for the people who let us in, trusted us, called us friend.

We play a long game of staring, none of us really sure of what to say, but the more I stand here, stripped away from my Rosa Chinensis mask, the more I show her that I, too, can be impulsive, and terrified of myself at the same time.

She must have absolutely no idea that it takes everything in me to show her this side of me, the part of me nobody else has ever seen, but if there's one thing I want her to know is that I am not the same Mizuno Youko she met in high school. I want her to see that I am flawed, even though it's also the first time I give myself the luxury to feel too much, to waver, to not care whether I win or lose.

"Hey…" she brings me back to the present.

"Are you okay?"

"I—" I try to answer her. There is no hiding my intentions here, but even still I cannot seem to find the strength to say anything, because if I do, then that is it. If I tell her the real reason why I am here, then I might as well hand her my heart in the process.

"Youko?"

"I… wanted to see you," I half-heartedly confess, trying hard not to elaborate and get myself in deeper trouble, my fingers bundle my shirt up right where my heart is, as if trying to alleviate the wild thumping in my chest.

Nonetheless, a smile tugs at her lips, shy at first, but it doesn't take long until it blooms into a large grin, "And here was I thinking you were blowing me off the other day…" she says scratching the back of her head much like she always does when she is half way embarrassed.

"Blowing you off?" I ask.

"I asked to see you again and your response was, 'sure'"

"Yes," I say matter-of-factly, "Sure means yes."

"_Sure _means _I'm not sure_, Youko."

"What are you talking ab— ooooh," I finally realize my blunder.

"…"

"That was clearly not my intention!"

"Right…"

"I really wanted to see you again!"

"You really wanted to see me again..."

"I– you said you would see me soon, I thought… I thought you understood."

"Hmhm…"

"And then you kissed me!"

"I sure did, Youko."

"Even though you thought I was blowing you off, you kissed me?!"

"Was it that bad a kiss?" she evades my question, and my head spins at the thought of her mouth pressed against mine with ardor.

"…"

"I'll take that as a no," Sei says, then invites me in, reaching for my bag.

"Wait! My shout echoes in the hallway, "Why did you kiss me if you didn't think I wanted to see you again?"

"I was just saying goodbye," she answers earnestly, leaving no room for more of my childish questions.

"Now, please come in."

So, she holds the doorknob and walks out, allowing me to step into her home once more, then she walks back in and shuts the door behind us.

The familiar scent of the wax warmer greets me immediately.

I didn't know I was homesick until I stepped into this home.

And I would be lying if I didn't say that I spent this entire week waging war against myself every time my fingers reached for my phone because all I wanted was to call her, text her, pull up a photo of her on social media.

"You can sit anywhere," she tells me quietly, and walks my bag to her bedroom like I was invited by her to spend the night.

When she comes back, she goes straight to the kitchen "Let me make us a cup of coffee, what do you think?"

"You don't have to…" I respond.

"I bought that oat milk creamer you said you liked," she grins, filling up and popping a reusable pod in the coffee maker, then she looks back at me, the most earnest smile on her face, "It's good stuff!"

So I stand up, and I walk to where she is, then I bow, "I'm so sorry for barging in."

She stares at me for a while, studying my face as if she hasn't seen me in years, then she speaks, "You just made my day..." she confesses with coyness I am not used to seeing in her.

Once both coffees are brewed and dressed, she leads me back to her couch, then she reaches for the remote to pause the music she was listening to.

"So…" she says, turning toward me, her knee accidentally pressing against my thigh, but she doesn't move, "You said you weren't coming back till Mond—"

I throw decorum out the window, my lips atop of hers, tightly, silencing whatever her question was going to be.

And I hold my breath until she finally closes her eyes and kisses me back. My eyes close, too, and I feel her hand reach for my face, the other finds home in my hair, while both my arms wrap around her waist. Then her lips part and her tongue doesn't ask for permission, it invades my mouth as if it has always owned it.

I surrender to her.

White flags fly.

And her kisses are like herself, raw all the while tender. Unquestioning. She leaves no room for second thoughts. She is all-in, like a relentless whirlwind, and all I want to be is a piece of canvas, stripped from its mold, so she can guide me wherever she sees fit, so she can paint me with colors I am yet to see.

_Is it selfish of me to want this? Is it selfish of me to want her all for myself?_

I wouldn't hesitate to run away with her if she asked.

I wouldn't think twice.

I wouldn't waver like Kubo Shiori did.

But would she even consider this? Would Satou Sei ask me the same questions she asked Shiori years ago?

I am not sure, but I am also terrified of knowing the truth.

So, I pull my lips away from hers, afraid that the longer her mouth is pressed on mine, the more I will lose myself in her; the more I will forget who I am, where I come from, and l will care less about our past, about her rebelliousness, about our history.

But, God, it's no use, and here I go again searching for her mouth, and tongue, and teeth. And she is biting my lips, moaning ever so lightly as she presses her chest against mine, then pulling me up so I am on her lap; my legs straddle her, my knees making deep impressions the couch.

"Youko," she whispers in my mouth. "Youko," she breathes out, and I swallow my own name, selfishly wishing she wouldn't stop repeating it.

She presses harder against me, her warm fingers are inside my shirt now, making their way up, slowly, with delicate deliberation. And I grind on her, deeply though unhurriedly, all the while waiting for her hands to reach my chest, and when they do, I cannot help but whimper her name.

So I bring her close to me, my hands clutch to her shirt, pulling it off her at once.

Then she stops everything and looks at me, her uneven breathing matching mine; her chest stripped from a bra I never thought she'd wear anyway.

After a second too long she smiles uncomfortably, her cheeks flush profusely as she yet again shows me a side of her I never knew, "There's not much to work with, rig—"

I silence her immediately, my mouth on hers, one of my hands on the nape of her neck, the other pressed against one of her breasts, eliciting a moan from her that I feel between my legs.

I have always thought Satou Sei was pretty; with the western lines, the blonde hair, and the longing gray eyes. And I have always thought Satou Sei looked great in anything, covered from head to toe on Lillian's winter uniform with the double breasted peacoat; in a traditional kimono; in jeans and a sweatshirt. I didn't know; however, that her bare skin would be so wondrous.

Both her hands slide down to my waist, and she presses me down on her, and while I ride her, my lips travel from her mouth to her neck; and I bite her, then pepper her with kisses down to her collarbone, all the way to her shoulder then back up to her lips.

"Youko," she says to me, "If we keep going…" she trails off, so I ask if she wants me to stop, and she responds with another question, "Do you?"

_If only she knew how her fingertips feel pressed against my body she wouldn't have to ask_, "No," I answer, nonetheless, "Don't stop."

###

I watch a shy smile tug at her lips, and she wraps her arms around me, her chest tightly pressed against mine while my nose is buried deep in her hair. And though our bodies are so close, I wish our hearts were even closer.

"Youko," she says after a while of silence, "Will you stay the night?" she whispers, making my heart swell up against my chest, though it's bittersweet, because I wish she had just asked me to stay –period–.

And I wonder how many girls have heard the same request from her; how many girls have thrown themselves into her arms like I just did, and I wonder how many girls she has seduced on this couch before even reaching her bedroom.

Still, I don't have the strength or the right to ask her these questions. If I am here sitting atop of her is because I wanted to. Nobody drove me her, dragged me up the stairs, and knocked on her door for me. Nobody pushed my body atop of hers when she was still worried about her friends.

She is not to be blamed for this ache in my chest either. The fact that I feel so strongly toward her shouldn't dictate the way she feels about me.

_I think I get it now…_

I think I finally understand why Sei couldn't blame Shiori for not loving her enough to have stayed. Sei is always a step ahead of me when we speak of love. She also feels much deeper than I do.

But now I finally get it.

Nevertheless, I cannot say no to her request, "I'll stay," I tell her with seriousness only Rosa Chinensis could bear, knowing very well Sei won't understand the implications of this simple statement. But I am okay with it. This is not a quid-pro-quo agreement, after all. This is just my accepting that Sei doesn't belong to me, to Shiori, to anyone. And maybe this is just fair because I am still terrified of the world around me, and I still cannot, to save my life, speak of these feelings I have because I still don't have the strength to accept myself for who I am.

###

As I wonder how long it will be until it's her turn to disappear from my life, she kisses me. And I reciprocate with all I have to give her, _"I'll stay,"_ this kiss screams.

Once her lips finally leave mine, she silently leads me to her bathroom, and as I stand under the doorframe, she pulls off my shirt, unclasps my bra, unzips my already unbuttoned jeans. And she stares at me while my clothes puddle on the tile.

"Youko," she whispers, her lips on my collarbone.

This is the first time in months I allow anyone to look at my bare body. It's only fitting it would be Sei.

"You're beautiful," she says, and my heart swells up against my chest.

So, I, too, undress –her bottom half– ever so slowly, with both gentleness and desire.

I study the curves of a body I have imagined countless times while touching myself this past week. And I must admit my imagination was lacking. What lies in front of me in flesh and bones should be considered artwork of the most valuable caliber.

Then she takes me by the hand and presses her chest against mine, sending my mind spinning wildly.

We slow dance to silence and as soon as I get comfortable with the sound of our feet on and off the cold tile, she starts to hum a tune. It doesn't take me long to realize that my favorite song is the melody on her lips.

The world slows down for us.

Waves crash in far away seas.

I come undone.

And Satou Sei keeps on surprising me –even when I had thought I was finally starting to understand her– by leading me into the shower. "Turn around, Youko," she asks me, and when I obey the quiet request, she washes my hair with deliberate care, then she rinses it off, making sure no suds reach my eyes. When she is done washing off the conditioner, she asks me to face her, "Hi," she says to me when I look at her, "Hello," I answer back.

Her smile is contagious, and she looks at me like nothing else in the world exists. I am delighted all the while terrified because this is not real, because this is a once in a lifetime thing, because this might not ever happen again and I will have to live with the memories of tonight carved in my heart so deeply not even hundreds of years will help me forget.

And all of this is why I will also be cavalier when speaking of her in a future she has forgotten about these kisses, touches, warm breaths. Carelessness will be the protection cloak I, too, will wear to guard my heart from these ever so sweet memories we are making tonight.

She wraps me in a clean towel, and I follow her to her bedroom, "You can take the bed, Youko," she says to me when my knees buckle by her door.

_This is the very first time I have been in her bedroom. Ever. _

But I breathe in, and I step inside just in time for her to hand me a pair of basketball shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt, "Pajamas," she says with a grin, "These are my favorite, so, please, take good care of them."

I thank her before rummaging through my bag like a savage in hopes I find a clean pair of underwear.

"Damn, Youko!"

I didn't know she was watching me this entire time, and though I cannot hide the flush that reached the tip of my ears, I also cannot let her win. So I stand up, my eyes never leaving hers. Then I let go of my towel only to bend over so I can put on the tongue I just pulled from my bag, "I never thought of you as the lingerie type…"

"And you're right."

"Really?!"

"I'm more interested in what is underneath all of that stuff..."

At that my blush deepens and I throw in the towel –metaphorically this time–, "Insufferable as ever!"

So, with her ever so cloying voice, she asks me not to be mean to her, plugging in her hair dryer and sitting on her bed, "C'mere," she extends the invitation, and though I don't know how much more my heart can take, I oblige.

As the hair dryer buzzes in my ear, she runs her fingers through my hair, aiding the drying process. She remains silent throughout it all, and I say not a word either. There are not many things I should allow myself the luxury to say to her anyway because the more I try to explain, the more my heart wants to be close to her.

Even though I shouldn't, I wonder how much longer we can keep this up; how many more weeks, days, hours, separate us from the day she will tell me all of this has been a mistake.

When that day comes I won't stroll through isles of pinball machines and outdated arcade games in a daze, looking for something –anything– to mend this heart I broke with my own hands, but I, too, will build a wall of briars around me.

I hope; however, that one day someone will come around with full resolve to love my brokenness. And I hope to Maria-sama that when this person comes around, I will be ready to try again.


	4. Jupiter

A/N: Thank you for reading :)

* * *

Monday.

I wake up early, and though my body complains, my mind races with thoughts of Saturday night – it wasn't a dream.

Saturday really happened. I was there, and she was there and there was a point we were 'us.'

Us; where my lips were her lips and her chest mine, too.

I smile at how immature this would sound if I said it out loud.

But yesterday, there was us.

So, I get up and get dressed, then after a quick bathroom run, I hit the kitchen. My parents are still sleeping so I toss a couple slices of bread in the toaster and pop a pod into the coffee maker to brew myself a single serve of this dark roast Yumi got me when she visited Nara a few weeks ago, the same exact blend I had at Sei's house in the morning yesterday and on Saturday night –though we had to reheat the batch from Saturday–.

Although I have just in the past year or so become an avid fan of the creaminess and boldness of a freshly cup of brewed coffee, Sei has always liked it; even in high school she preferred the crappy instant powder we had instead of tea.

I don't know why we never thought about getting a coffee maker for the Rose Mansion. Looking back, it would have been nice having that rich smell in the morning instead of the light scent of oolong – especially during the cold winters. I'm sure Sei would have liked that, too.

_Yesterday her lips tasted just like this coffee._

I spread jam on both toasts and sit at the table to eat breakfast.

Thoughts of her flood my mind; my heart races in the process. With the reddest of flushes I replay the events of Saturday night in my head until my coffee is cool enough to drink.

But my heart is ablaze, burning my soul, and I'm afraid my chest will keep burning until I see her again.

I finish breakfast only to pick up my keys and head out the door. My car looks better when she's on the passenger seat, and deep inside I wish I were still able to smell her perfume when I open my door.

Alone, I drive back to the gym. Back to where it all started. Though the parking lot is silent and there's no commotion in front of the pet store across the road this time.

Hesitantly I walk into the building. I place my purse in a locker inside the women's restroom and I do something I haven't done in months: I step on the scale.

Five pounds separate me from what I should weigh according to some experts. Five pounds which at one point were almost 20. The funny thing is I was so out of touch with myself that my parents had to intervene –a conversation I never thought I would have with them. Ever–. "Have you been making time to eat?" was how it started. Come to think of it, Sachiko had posed questions along the same lines to me before, but I brushed it off not thinking much of it. Only when my parents sat me down to give me a sermon on carbs, proteins, and fats, was when I finally realized I wasn't the same Youko many knew from before college.

And they were right.

But they are always right.

###

Tuesday.

I meet up with mom for lunch, and then we go back to her office. Mom is a kind woman. I don't think there's an ounce of evil in her bones, but she is serious when it comes to her work, expecting nothing but the best out of the people around her. And since today I am working for her, these expectations are extended to me.

She hands me a red folder with several initiatives she thinks would better public transportation in our prefecture, telling me she would like to hear my opinion on it.

An hour into my review mom brings my purse to my attention, "Your phone is buzzing in there, Yoyo."

"It's okay," I tell her, but she insists I pick up.

So I fish the phone out of my bag and look at the screen to see who's calling.

The caller ID shouldn't be wrong, but for a brief moment it makes me wonder about its accuracy.

In the brightness of the display, the name _Satou Sei _stands out in dark letters. Nevertheless, my heart is filled with colors.

I tell mom I should take the phone call outside, and excuse myself stepping out in the hallway.

"Hello."

"Ah! Youko! It's Sei!" she says and I can hear the smile in her voice. "I hope I'm not being a nuisance by call—."

"You're not!" I cut her off.

"I…" she hesitates before continuing, "…wanted to ask if I could see you this Saturday?"

"Do you mind staying in?" I ask, then expand, "I can get mom and dad to make us dinner – they were so happy to see you the other day…"

"…"

"…"

"You sure?"

"Of course! The projector is still set up in the basement, and we can play video games like we used to with the Yamaurikai."

"A-alright," she answers with a bit of hesitance for some reason, but I brush it off and tell her I have to go back to mom's office. Then she tells me she should be done with her animal rescue duties early enough that she can be at my parents' at 3.

Though I wish we could spend more time together, I understand her responsibilities and am happy that I get to see her soon.

_Three days until she's in my arms again._

###

Wednesday, Thursday and Friday drag along until Saturday arrives.

###

Saturday.

The doorbell rings and I run to her.

She greets me with the smile I've been missing this entire week; the one I had been dreaming of for the past several nights.

"Hi, Youko" she says quietly, then hugs me tightly, "I've missed you," she whispers in my ear.

And my heart melts.

And I forget who I am.

"I'm so glad you're here." I tell her with the little voice I still have left in me.

Nevertheless, I wish she knew that these words are but a drop in the ocean of longing that I have for her.

"Here," she hands me a plastic bag, "But you can't open it yet," she says with a playful smirk, "We'll both be busy next Saturday, so we won't be able to spend a lot of time together because of Sachan and Yumi's party…" she trails off, then bows before continuing, "Please accept this as a thank you for working so hard on Yumi's party next week, and for making sure Sachiko wouldn't kill anyone."

I thank her quietly, but I can't take my eyes off her. Perhaps, for the first time in the history of my heart, I am not ashamed of letting someone see this longing I have for them.

My chest swells up, my heart overflows with these colors she, alone, paints. And I want this. I want her chest pressed against mine for a minute longer than what is deemed appropriate for friends. I want her lips upon my ear, whispering sweet nothings I only want to hear from her. _"I've missed you," _should only be the beginning.

I come back down from the clouds when I hear shuffling in the kitchen, but she is reaching for me again; this time, her lips search for mine with conviction only found in Satou Sei, and though it takes everything in me to deny her, I cowardly move away just in time for my parents to walk into the living room.

I forsake love; love that is not mine, but hers, love that I didn't ask for, but she was kind enough to offer. And I forsake it because I am terrified of being anything but this Youko I've created only to please others.

Nevertheless, she looks at me with no confusion or bewilderment in her eyes, scoffing quietly so only I can hear.

"Sei!" Dad greets her, and like a trained actress, she returns the animated welcome with a chipper, "Hello." Then she bows and jokes, "Thank you so much for letting me come back."

Mom and dad laugh while my head spins madly at the thought that she knew what I was going to do; that she already knew that when it mattered the most I would have decided for both of us.

And now as she plays the role of the class clown, I wish for the Sei I met three weeks ago. But it's no use, and I am left with Rosa Gigantea: irreverent, loud, borderline obnoxious.

Mom invites her in, and Sei follows her, while dad chooses not to move until I am done forcing my feet forward. We all end up in the kitchen, some of us feeling more awkward than others.

"This is to hoping I can finish my drink before it gets stolen," she lifts her glass up high and dad chuckles at her antics.

When we move from the kitchen to the living room, I cannot help but notice the distance she has placed between us. The same distance she kept in high school, the same half-hearted aloofness laced with a dark sense of humor which was hard to swallow at times.

I'm in and out of the conversation; my mind running at light speed. I am here, but I am also not. I am here, but all I want is to travel back in time. Seven days separate heaven and hell for me.

"— to Yumi-chan?" I catch the end of the question Dad poses to Rosa Gigantea.

"Saw her on Wednesday," she says with a smile, "Uh…Youko must have kept you up to date on the abundant number of bridesmaids-groomsmen-wedding-people they are planning on having…so... yeah! And Touko-chin called me last Sunday, too, you know, wanting to go over some of the details for the party next week…"

"You two will sure be busy in the next few months."

"Youko has always been more prepared to handle these things than me…" Rosa Gigantea tells mom, and for a second our eyes meet, but just as quickly as it happens it also ends –much abruptly in my opinion–. Even still, my cheeks flush furiously as she looks away.

So, I make my way back to the kitchen with the excuse I need water, and I come back to the end of a much more incriminating question from my parents.

"—ed a plus one?" Mom asks, and Rosa Gigantea doesn't seem fazed by the question one bit, "Ah! Mizuno-sama, it'll be just me this time around."

"Is school also your excuse, Sei?" mom continues the inquisition.

"Nah! That's not it at all. I just haven't found the right… _person _yet. And it's so démodé to pretend with someone I don't even like."

"Sei-chan is always so thoughtful," dad chimes in, but Rosa Gigantea doesn't let the seriousness of his comment move her, "We all know it takes a special kind of crazy to deal with all of this!" she finishes, pointing at herself.

And so, dad chuckles again and mom laughs heartily at the self-deprecating comment. All the while I am here, quietly waiting for her to say something incriminating about us.

But, instead, she plays the perfect guest to a T; borrowing lines from Touko-chan's best performances. Not even once she stares at me a second too long; her eyes travel the room with trained timing.

I am holding my breath, though, waiting for her to find the perfect moment to pull the bottom piece off this perfectly aligned Jenga game she has built so far.

"I am enjoying school very much, yes."

She lies, sipping on that Pino Noir as if it is the sweetest of drinks.

"Yes, Hokkaido. They've been well, and will be here for the party next week."

She tells my parents she's picking Shimako and Noriko up from the airport tomorrow and they're spending next week with her here in Tokyo.

"They just got stuck helping with research this summer..."

We go back to the kitchen after mom shows us all pictures of their vacation in Italy. And of course, Rosa Gigantea knows every place mom and dad visited.

"The Colloseum was enormous."

"The Piazza Navona is fantastic at nighttime."

"The Spanish Steps… amazing!"

If annoying me was what she was trying to do, she has most definitely accomplished that task.

Then again what did she expect when she let me kiss her at Takahashi's? We had talked about that before, and I had the impression that I was quite clear about my not being ready to just… be.

She thanks me politely after I refill her wineglass, then averts her gaze back to dad, who is telling a story I've heard a hundred times –I'm pretty sure she's heard it before, too, but she dedicates all of her attention to him as if she's really interested in my father's work tales.

Then mom finally serves us dinner.

My favorite dish is tasteless tonight, but I scarf it down in terrified anticipation.

If Yoshino was in my place, this would have been the time when she would have stood up, slammed both her hands on the table and screamed, "I kissed her!"

The problem is that I don't have a Hasekura Rei to save me afterwards.

So I decide on silence instead of turning myself in.

Now mom is filling up glasses for the third time, which ultimately means that Rosa Gigantea's keys will be taken away for the night.

And here it is; mom extending a hand out to Rosa Gigantea, who without saying a word reaches into her pocket, fishes out her car keys and hands them to _Mizuno-sama_. Then as if in a weird drug deal, Rosa Gigantea's wineglass is refilled.

We're in for the night.

This is officially a nightmare.

But we all survive dinner, then mom leads us through dessert with one of her monologues. And when Rosa Gigantea asks if my parents need help cleaning up after we eat, they kick us both out of the kitchen.

So, I walk down to the basement and she follows me quietly.

I don't bother turning the light on, but it doesn't take me long to get the projector back to working from stand-by. The family system is hooked up to the screen and a list of 8-bit games is all Rosa Gigantea needs to see in order for a smile to tug at her lips, "Hello, my precious," she says, sitting on the carpet in front of the screen and taking one of the controllers to herself.

She goes down the list with muscle memory speed, "Ah! Yes!" she says when she finds the game she was looking for.

I will never understand how a stupid clown riding a lion and jumping through rings of fire can make a grown woman like Satou Sei forget about the world around her.

When Charlie, the clown, gets fried, she lifts her eyes toward me while handing me the controller, "Wanna try?" she asks with child-like honesty.

So, I take a seat by her, pressing the start button so Charlie can move forward.

After a while of silence between us, I thank her for not outing us tonight. Then as if something has possessed her, she reaches for the controller in my hand, pausing the game abruptly.

"Wait a second!" she says with seriousness I am yet to hear from her today.

"What the h— what are you doing?!"

"Were you seriously thinking I was going to out you, Youko?"

I open my mouth to answer her but my voice falters, and with her head down I hear a quiet, "I fucking knew it!"

"You kn—"

She looks at me, "Is that how you think of me, Youko? Do you really think I would come into your home, have dinner with your parents, only to tell them about your sexual preferences?"

"It's not like that, Sei…"

"But it was exactly what you thought!" she whispers what I know she wants to scream.

"It's not like th—"

"I don't know if you've noticed…" she interrupts me, swinging around to fully face me, "but I came here today 'cause I wanted to spend time with you."

"…"

"I wanted to see your face, and I wanted to spend time with you."

"S-ei…"

"Whether you tell your parents about yourself or keep the truth from them is not a decision for me to make. And to be truly honest here… nobody will think less of you if you tell them you're gay! Shit! Ogasawara Sachiko is fucking out! About to marry a Fukuzawa, and _nobody_ cares! Nobody cares if they're both girls, or if nobody knows Yumi's family!"

She stands, shoving her hands in the back pockets of her jeans, then she shakes her head while staring at her feet. Even though she never looks at me, I also do nothing to appease her.

Her quiet chuckle hits me like the slap on the face I never received from her.

"I'm sure none of this preaching is relevant to you when your mind's already made up…" she say softly, then looks straight at me "It's just…" she pauses, "Oh God, how fucking embarrassing is this?" she asks herself quietly; I know it because she closes her eyes while saying it. But with eyes open, looking straight at me she concludes, "I'm gonna just go before I make a bigger fool out of myself," she scoffs, then walks back up the stairs.

I hear her speak with mom, then dad.

Not long after that, I hear the front door open, then close.

She has the right to walk away, and I the obligation to let her go. And I can't blame her for anything she has done when she was most wonderful around me, terrific with my parents. I can't paint her the bad guy. I never would. I am a coward, yes, but I can still tell right from wrong.

So I sit here, silently and with eyes wide open for a long while

Inside I am screaming; I am on fire.

When dad comes down to check on me, he is also carrying a cup of tea and the bag Sei handed to me earlier.

"Oolong," he tells me, placing the cup on the floor in front of me, "I replenished the mixers in the mini fridge this morning… if you need something… stronger…"

"Thanks, dad."

"You forgot this by the front door, too," he hesitates but hands me the bag. "Sei-chan said it's for Sachan and Yumi-chan's party…"

"Y-yeah, thank you…"

"You kids were better liars when you were in high school, Youko…"

"…"

"I just don't get why you turn into monsters when you're together."

"Dad, please…"

"Is that the right way to treat one another?"

"Dad!" I bark. If only he knew _I_ am the only monster here.

At my scream, he, too, walks away, though, before he reaches the stairs, he turns around and tells me, "We're not made to carry our burdens alone, Yoyo." then he resumes his steps.

I wait until I hear him close the door to the basement before I reach for the bag Sei left for me, and my eyes fill with tears when I examine its contents.

Inside the bag there's a sketchbook as well as a black canvas pouch which when unraveled reveals a set with several sketch pencils, charcoal pencils, a pen, an eraser, a pencil extender, and a knife. There is also an oil painting art set neatly arranged inside a wooden case.

And I fight the tears as I stare at these gifts, in awe of Sei's understanding of the unspoken desires I have which have been buried along with my ability to tell myself the truths of my heart.

But then the last hit which breaks the dam is an envelope with a card neatly handwritten by Sei and addressed to me.

_Youko-chan,_

_Tonight we will lift our glasses up high in celebration of happiness, acceptance, and love. Sachiko and Yumi have only begun to write their story, so I thought you could start to sketch yours, too. And if your heart deems it indispensable, I made sure you had the ability to color the path you choose._

_I am thrilled to have you as a date tonight._

_Forever Yours,_

_Satou Sei_

I am a monster.

Turning to the screen I mindlessly reach for the controller in front of me. I press the start button only for Charlie to trip over a ring of fire.

###

I turn off the game console, and I sit here working on this tea that burns my esophagus until the projector times out and I am left in the dark.

And here comes Rosa Chinensis, ready to pour salt in my wounds.

I am a coward, but Rosa Chinensis is worse. Rosa Chinensis is a liar, a bully, a self-centered piece of shit who doesn't care about anyone but herself and her status, her pseudo-accomplishments, and what people think of her.

Rosa Chinensis doesn't care that Sei is hurting. She also doesn't care that my heart is breaking.

So I stand up, much too quickly for this still feeble body of mine. The head rush all but brings me down to my rear, but I fight with gravity, and though my legs wobble, I remain standing.

Nevertheless, Rosa Chinensis wants the dark. She wants another sleepless night spent in this cage she built for me, with nothing but the sound of her voice in my head repeating I am not good enough unless I am perfect, unless I am her.

All these years I thought myself as strong, as put together, as a leader, but this pretending only isolated me from people, bringing me unimaginable sorrow.

I take a step forward, and Rosa Chinensis pulls me back by the arm. Then I try again, only to be brought to the ground.

So I finally surrender. I bring my knees up close to my chest, and I wrap my arms around my legs. With eyes wide open I cry because I am bound to live in the darkness of Rosa Chinensis' shadow. I will never see colors again –at least not the ones I had the luxury to experience when Sei was by my side.

"Maria-sama, I swear," desperation takes the best of me, "If I get to see her light again, I will never let anyone else break her heart like Shiori did. I will never let her wonder aimlessly through loud isles of poorly kept arcades again. And I'll be hers –forever hers to keep, to love or to break, or to do whatever she pleases with my tired bones."

If only I could pry myself open and climb out of my own chest, leave Rosa Chinensis behind, leave this darkness, this pit of despair, this hell I have created for myself…

I am exhausted. It's exhausting to keep this up, to try so hard to be someone I am learning I never wanted to be to begin with.

And what if I am flawed, tired, ashamed of my past, terrified of making decisions I might regret in the future? I am still worthy of love, aren't I?"

Sei thought as much. Even if what we experienced was just her letting me in for the sake of letting me in, with no strings attached, just to show me she cares, and that we can at least be friends. Sei, the broken one who never conformed, the one who always listened to her heart; she let her armor down for me, and she let me see her, in all of her glorious, wonderful, and breathtaking vulnerability. And without saying anything she proved to me that she, too, believes in second, and third, and fourth chances, and that she, too, believes that all of her brokenness is perfectly worthy of love.

My heart pounds against my chest at the thought that I have lost her once again. That I had the chance to do everything differently, but chose to pretend when all I needed to do was to be true to myself, to Sei.

And the truth is: I cannot keep my mind off her. I cannot stop thinking of her since that first kiss, since she proclaimed to the universe that her lips touched mine while I was already cowardly fabricating a million excuses to why my brazen actions were wrong.

Maria-sama… How many times can I blame myself for being afraid?

Is this all really the truth or is this just another excuse that I have found in order to feel better about myself; in order to blame the wants of my ego for the person I have become? I have hid behind this wall of righteousness for the better part of my adulthood, thinking it would be what people wanted from me; thinking that if I walked on eggshells around the world, it wouldn't realize that I was here, wanting so badly to be seen, to be heard, to proclaim to the world that I am okay with things I cannot control, that I am okay being broken, that I can press my lips on whomever I see fit, and that I want, so badly to close my eyes and just accept that this darkness is as wonderful as light –and I want both–.

I also want Sei.

"I want Sei," I say to this empty room, and think myself crazy for a second, but only for a second because this is not crazy at all. This is human, I am human.

I also want to mend what I have shattered between us. I want to sew together the red string of fate that tethered us to one another for so long. I want to shackle my wrists to hers, meld my chest on hers.

So, I stand up and though my legs are as heavy as led, I take a step forward, then another one; and as I climb up the stairs, Rosa Chinensis tries to peel off me like an old Band-Aid that rips the skin, but I hold on to her nonetheless, not because I need her to define me as a person anymore, but because she is also a part of the million pieces that comprise my brokenness.

And this brokenness is enough.

###

I run out the door, getting into my car as quickly as I can, my heart racing as if I lived my entire life waiting on a green light called Satou Sei.

Wondering if I am too late I call her, _"Please, Sei, answer!"_

The line rings twice.

"Hello, you've reached Satou Sei, I can't g—"

"Ugh!" I complain with unlady-likeness worthy of Shimazu Yoshino.

So, I hang up only to call again. It goes straight to voicemail this time.

She clearly doesn't want to talk.

I keep driving nonetheless. She has to hear me out. She can't just let things go just like this!

My first stop is her apartment. While her bike is locked up, I see no signs of her yellow bug. Still, I run up the stairs as quickly as I ran them the last time I was here.

I knock.

Then I knock again.

"Hello?" I hear a voice which is not Sei's, but I turn and greet them, nonetheless.

"I don't think Sei has come back yet," the older lady I greet says to me.

"She said she'd let me borrow one of her books, this afternoon and she usually just props them against my door, but see…" she points at the door across from Sei's, "Nothing yet."

"I see…" I say quietly, more to myself than anything else.

"I can call her if you w—"

"No!" I squeal like a child.

"Oh… Okay then."

I thank her for her help and make my way back to my car.

Then I pick my phone back up and dial.

The lines connect.

"Y-youko-sama?"

It's only fair that Yumi's response to my phone call is as such. I chuckle inwardly, the cuteness is never ending with this kid.

"Yumi-chan, gokigenyou."

"Ah! Right! Gokigenyou!"

"I'm calling for a favor. Could you text me Shimako's new phone number?"

"Shimako-san…" she trails off, "Shimako never picks up. If it's okay with y—"

"Noriko-chan's is fine, too. Thank you Yumi-chan…"

I say my goodbyes and hang up the phone without asking Yumi to keep this conversation between us. As scatterbrained as Yumi might be, she is quite sensitive when it comes to letting things run their course.

Not even a minute after I get Noriko's phone number, I dial it.

And I am a bit surprised that she picks up a call from a random number so promptly.

"Youko-sama?" she answers.

"Gokigenyou, Noriko-chan. I see Yumi-chan has reached out to you."

"You need Shimako, right?"

"If that's not too much of a bother for you?"

"Not at all. Please hang on for just a second," she says to me and I can hear her footsteps, then, "Shimako, it's Youko-sama…"

"Youko-sama, gokigenyou," Shimako greets me, her voice as sweet as ever.

"Gokigenyou, Shimako. I'm sorry to bother you this late."

"It's not _that_ late, Youko-sama…" she chuckles a bit. Shimako has always been a funny kid. Even when she was lost in darkness, we could still see little sparks of undeniable humor in her, and the way she delivered her punch-lines, always terribly candid and with the most cuddly of voices, made her the funniest of all of us.

"Right…" I agree with her, "It's force of habit."

"But you're not Rosa Chinensis anymore."

"I surely am not, Shimako."

"…"

"…"

"Erm..."

"Did you have a fight with my onee-sama?"

I had forgotten that humor is not the only weapon in Shimako's repertoire. Her candidness is a breath of fresh air, nevertheless. Still, even with her straightforwardness, Shimako has the ability to remain kind. I think that is why both Sei and Noriko gravitate toward her: she's their oasis of honesty in this desert riddle with deceitfulness and half-truths.

"More like a disagreement of sorts," I come clean.

"The measuring of words on both your parts…"

"I know…"

"Youko-sama, I can't—"

"It's fine," I appease her. She clearly knows what is going on and where Sei is, but was instructed not to tell, which is what a petite soeur should do. Therefore, I cannot admonish her, nor should I try to pry.

"I'm glad you understand."

"Feel free to tell her I called. I don't mind."

She tells me she won't, and I believe her. Then I tell her to take care and I disconnect.

The highway is busy, but I figure it's the fastest route to Takahashi's restaurant, so I fight with traffic until I finally get to my exit.

This time around I park in front of the restaurant, not caring that I might get a ticket.

Hitomi greets me at the front door.

"…"

"Mizuno-chan, wasn't Sei supposed to be with you tonight?"

"Erm… We…"

"What did she do?"

"Nothing!" I blurt out earnestly, "I… It was all my fault," I admit.

"But Sei can be terrible sometimes!"

"This time, I'm afraid it was all me…" I tell her, then thank her for her time and walk away before she can say anything else.

I get back into my car. My cheeks flushed, and I know it cannot be anything else but shame. I feel like a child, heavily burdened by the inadequacies of an immaturity I thought I had overcome long ago.

Though I don't know how to feel, though I am at a loss for words, I am also just now learning to accept this restlessness as part of who I am.

So I floor it to Takahashi's house, and almost take his garage door when I pull into the driveway, then I run to his front door, ringing the bell like my life depends on it.

Nobody seems to be home, and if they are, the sound of the bell being assaulted is clearly not making them come to the door.

I walk around the house and check the back gate, "Takahashi-sama!" I shout into nothingness, "Satou-san!" I also try, the latter scream much more exasperated than the former.

And I find it ironic that this will end with the same exact syllables this mess began with.

I hold on to the gate, white-knuckling the metal rods. Then I shake it as hard as I can, and I feel my bones vibrate, too.

_"__Maria-sama, what a mess…"_

"Youko-chan?" The voice from behind me is once again not the one I want to hear, but I turn, nonetheless.

"…"

"Youko-chan?!"

"…"

"Heel!" Takahashi-sama also says, but the command is clearly not for me. Though I wish I could calm myself down with only a word.

On the other side of the leash Takahashi-sama is holding on to is a black pitbull; her eagerness to meet me is all the more clear as I drop on one knee to greet her.

And as she throws herself at me, Takahashi-sama admonishes her, "MP3!"

So I chuckle at a name that was clearly thought of by no other but Satou Sei.

"Sorry, Youko-chan, she's usually so good!"

"It's okay, Takahashi-sama. We've met before," I explain, then turn to the dog in my hands, "Right, MP3? You're a good girl!"

We fall into silence for a long while, but Takahashi-sama doesn't seem to be bothered, or concerned I am taking too long with MP3.

"Takahashi-sama," I look up and speak into our silence, "I'm looking for Sei…C-could you tell me where I can find her?"

"Youko-chan…" he hesitates.

"…"

"…"

"I see…"

"I am sorry." he finishes matter-of-factly.

And I decide that begging is not something I should be doing to Takahashi-sama, so I change the subject. I look back down to MP3, "How long have you had her for?"

"Ah, Sei brought her home the day after you visited."

"Is that so?"

"She said she didn't want anyone else to take her."

"I'm so glad she has a nice home to call hers…" I say a bit hesitant, the words sticking to my throat. The urge to cry is overcoming, so I choose not to say anything else, and I wait quietly for my lung to fill up with air once more.

When I can finally trust my voice again, I say my goodbyes to Takahashi.

I drag my feet back to my car, and I can feel all of the people I have ever been tethered to the last leg of my resolve. They, too, would prefer nothingness over my company.

I get back into my car, and turn it on, then I rest my forehead on the wheel.

"Oh God, what a mess…" I say into the silence, "What a mess I've made!"


	5. Venus

A/N:

This is the last chapter of this little story. I hope you enjoyed reading it - I sure had fun writing it :)

If you have time, please leave me a review, or send me a DM. I'd like to hear from you.

Cheers!

* * *

We arrive early, as it was expected of me and I excuse myself once we reach the ballroom. He goes in with my parents while I take the stairs. Sachan is waiting for me on the second floor in a lapis-colored cocktail dress which might just make Yumi's heart stop from operating properly tonight.

"Onee-sama, welcome back," she smiles at me from the open window, the translucent drapes flutter with the summer breeze, "Come see…" she tells me, stepping to the side to allow me a peak.

Globe string lights illuminate the courtyard. And I shouldn't be so mesmerized by the way it all looks since I was the one who supported Yumi's idea to extend the party out into the patio, but this view, "My God…" is all I can say.

"It's wonderful," she confirms.

We stand side-by-side, wordless, as a faint piano melody fills the room through the open window, and Sachan lays her head on my shoulder. This feels much like many of the evenings we spent alone in the Rose Mansion, way past the time we were supposed to stay. Sachan would confide in me much of what filled her heart with more and more adoration for Yumi, along with things which terrified her, things which made her waver. We would cry together, and laugh together, and I would pretend I knew it all, even though I was as scared as she was.

Truth be told, they couldn't have asked for a more stunning night to announce their love to the world. But Sachan and Yumi deserve the picture perfect engagement party, surrounded by the people who have always supported them, fought for them, protected and encouraged them so they could be themselves. They deserve this night, and all the other nights that will follow this one.

"Onee-sama…" she says all of a sudden in a hitched breath which is so unlike her, then she hides behind the drapes, watching movement in the courtyard with all the care in the world.

"It's—" my breath also gets caught in my throat.

Yumi is outside in a light blue kimono with dark blue flowers decorating her sleeves. And she's not alone. Satou Sei is with her, also in a kimono –dark gray with white roses on her sleeves–.

They walk to one end of the courtyard, then Yumi spreads her arms out wide and twirls. I take a peak at Sachan, her fingers on her lips, her heart puddled around our feet. Everyone else disappears when Yumi is in sight. And it's just fair that Sachiko feels this way. If she is to love someone, may this love be terrifying, overwhelming, consuming; may this love be Fukuzawa Yumi.

And I hear her sigh from the other side of the window, "Youko-onee-sama," she says to me, and perhaps for the first time my name sounds distorted when the syllables leave her lips, "…it took everything in me to tell her," is what comes next, so I lift my head and our eyes meet. This is something I never heard before, which is embarrassing for me in many ways as I thought she could confide everything in me; tough, I should also understand that we all have secrets, and things which we cannot say out loud.

With quivering lips, she presses onward, "She had convinced herself that our soeurship was enough for her, and all of a sudden I was faced with the subtle avoidance, the absence of eye contact, the disallowance of touch. I thought her cowardly at first for forsaking what she yearned for, but in reality I was the one who was most scared of acknowledging all the feelings I had for her…. What would my parents think? Would they treat me differently? Resent Yumi? I thought myself strong when I first met her, and later came to realize I had only been pretending to be… acting as if I knew exactly what I was doing when she was around until I finally recognized that without her unyielding resolve to stay by my side come hell or high water, pointing out my flaws without ever uttering a word; without that… I wouldn't have grown up, learned to share, learned to care about people around me, learned that it was okay to be wrong at times, and that it was okay not to always be the strongest one..."

So I stand here, paralyzed, watching the one kid many moons ago I addressed as _The Monster _but who had become one of the most important people in my life, my little sister, give me a lesson on humanity, on forgiveness, on love.

"I thought about everything that I made her go through since we first met in high school, and all the disparate feelings that must have plagued her when I was selfishly trying to find myself. And I thought about her, Youko-onee-sama, just her… with that heart she always wears on her sleeves, and with her unwavering desire to love the people around her. And there I was, keeping her from that simple wish while pretending I didn't feel the same as she did. How many times can someone be presented with the ability to be both selfless and selfish simultaneously? Youko-onee-sama… I chose to be with her because her happiness is also mine."

I am delighted that my petite soeur has found the strength to acknowledge that she can, too, be happy.

But I am also ashamed of myself for being jealous of what Sachiko and Yumi have.

Even still I take her hand in mine, and she smiles at me then looks down at her watch, "Onee-sama…"

"Hm?"

"We should go," she tells me, though she gives herself the luxury to stare down for another long while before hesitantly closing the window.

We walk downstairs.

And we speak for yet another long while standing by the entrance of the ballroom, until the person we were waiting on finally arrives, and then there were only them in the universe again.

"Sachiko," Yumi manages to say with dire difficulty.

And Sachan turns around to meet her with a "Gokigenyou," though I know that simple greeting carries so much more meaning than what it suggests.

"You—"

"You also."

I carefully step to the side, pulling Touko along with me, "Give them a second," I tell her, and she huffs, and puffs, and mumbles, "But, Youko-sama," a gazillion times until Eriiko shows up with Kanano in tow.

"Ladies," Eriiko starts, "Are we ready?"

"You guys are late!" Touko jabs.

"We were looking for you!" Kanako responds, shutting Touko up as if it was a magic trick.

My mind drifts far from the commotion filled with these familiar voices I have grown to adore so much. And I travel back in time to a sunset on a rooftop; the blue Tokyo skylight contrasting against the crimson sun. I am within her arms. I am home.

And I am home atop of her, enveloped by the thick scent of the wax warmer in her apartment.

I am home; barefoot in her bathroom as she hums my favorite song while her chest presses against mine.

I am home at a bar counter, her friends screaming at one another, at me, and I can hear her laughter dig through my skin, going deep into my bloodstream, painting my veins in a rainbow of the most wonderful colors.

"—gonna open!" someone pushes me away from the door, bringing me back to the present.

"It's show time ladies," I hear Eriko say as the doors are pulled open by Yoshino and Rei; Shimako and Noriko, who were waiting on the inside of the ballroom.

Just as the doors open, they also close. My feet stay anchored to the floor while I let happiness walk in front of me, and I neither stop it nor follow it.

And this burning in my chest continues, too, because somebody else stays behind. I had seen her walk in with Yumi and Touko, but she stepped aside when our eyes met. Much like me, she, too, knew that being near each other would only make things more complicated not only for us but for the other girls. We're both monsters, after all, we'll end up biting pieces of each other off if we get too close.

_This is not the time for such a scene_.

Yet, there she is, back against a pillar, arms crossed, waiting. Waiting, so I can break my own heart because she is one of the many things I will never have since I, out of all of the cowards, am the most.

And now she is pushing herself off the wall, and she is walking toward me. I wonder if she can hear my heart hammer against my chest from where she is.

"Gokigenyou."

"Gokigenyou, Youko."

"You look beautiful," I tell her. And I want to tell her so much more, but I refrain, scared shitless of drawing attention to us.

"Bet that herpes-infected frat boy you brought along will have a blast taking that dress off you tonight."

"Sei…" is all I can muster; her name coating my mouth in sweetness even when I wish for bitter, caustic, rancid.

"Too soon for a rebound joke?"

"…"

"You were sure quick to find one."

"He's just a family friend."

"Right."

"…"

"I gotta go back in," she says, walking pass me and giving me the impression she only stopped to speak with me because I was in her way to the hallway which leads to the courtyard.

So this is heartbreak: overwhelming, unexplainable, filling my chest with darkness. And I am terrified it will never go away.

"Wait!" I plead. If this is it, then the least I can do is tell her my peace.

I follow her out.

The breeze makes the lights dance above us, distorting her shadow as the distance between us expands. And there is not enough space for my heart in my chest anymore.

I hold my breath while I watch her walk in front of me.

"Sei, please!" I beg of her while my legs turn into stone –I might now be part of this courtyard forever–.

And I look around, I look at all which brightens up my path: the industrial lights from the hotel's foyer, dimmer ones from the ballroom, soft ones from the hundreds of bulbs surrounding this patio; even farther out, on the field adjacent to me, fireflies light up the green grass.

Then there's Sei: the brightest light I have ever seen. Even when she decided to enfold herself in a thorn-filled chrysalis after Shiori left, she couldn't keep her light from shining through it. And she couldn't keep love from chasing that light either; the same light that drew Shimako closer, and led her far out of the labyrinth she was lost in, right into Noriko's own light.

Sei has both darkness and light within her, but when I am with her my eyes see a million colors. And I feel them, too, converted into overwhelming, inexplicable love.

I understand now.

The way Sachiko looks at Yumi.

I understand!

She, too, see colors.

I wonder what Sei sees when she looks at me…

Still, nobody has taught me the convoluted science of revealing one's soul, or peeling off the layers of a heart. I wish I could paint my feelings instead of voicing them. I think Sei would understand me better through the thick layers of acrylic on a canvas.

I thought kissing her would be enough to explain all of these butterflies that have made home inside my chest, but maybe she never felt the same as I did.

And here I am again, scrutinizing every millisecond we spent together, trying to come up with excuses to why I shouldn't tell her exactly how I feel.

But there's a man in uniform opening the doors to the ballroom for Sei, and she speaks with him for what seems to me like an eternity. He nods at her and says something that makes her laugh, then he nods once more, walking in and closing the door.

Like in a dream, she retraces her steps, floating to where I am standing, "What else do you want from me, Youko?" she asks.

"…"

"…"

I reach for her hand, the breeze brings the scent of her shampoo right into my nostrils and I breathe in deep, holding her inside of my chest. Her fingers burn my skin but I remain strong in this resolve that has flourish within me.

"I've always envied you, Sei… always head-first, always unapologetic," I start, the sight of her making my heart beat in my throat.

Then I grow wings, butterfly ones, stained in the most wonderful watercolor hues. And as my feet lift off the ground I continue, "And you were always so scared of getting your heart broken, but that never kept you from loving! Even when you surrounded yourself in briars, your love seeped through that armor, onto Shimako, Yumi, Noriko… I once called that a weakness… but it turns out, it had been strength all along."

"…"

"I want to be strong, too..."

Her response is a chuckle, "You were scared I'd out you to your parents, Youko…" she adds.

"They have always known about… my preferences." I respond, finally able to explain to her what I wasn't able to when she stormed out of my parents house last time we spoke.

Though, instead of understanding, she finds my explanation another jab to her character. Her eyes widen, and she gives me Rosa Gigantea's condescending smile. "So… then…were you ashamed of me, Youko?"

"Sei, that's n—"

"Oh my God! Then why the _fuck_ did you agree to spend time with me? You took me to your parents' house, you agreed to meet my friends…" she stops for a second, but it's not hesitation, just disbelief, "You showed up at my door, unannounced, in the middle of the night and you f— …If I knew you were ashamed of me I would have never…"

"It's not like I was the only girl you gallantly led to your bed!" I scold her for trying to be self-righteous.

"And what if you were?!" She hangs her head down, her hair covering her face, her hands balled into fists, then she looks at me, "What if you were, Youko?!" she asks through clenched teeth.

She is crying.

And this feeling exploding in my chest is terrifyingly worse than heartbreak. My words are drawing tears from her, but I am the one aching.

"Sei, I—"

"Damn!" she says under her breath, then she addresses me, "I expected more from you, Youko…"

"I guess you're not the only one…" I finally confess, "But you are not completely innocent either. Do you know how hard it was for me to have gone to your home, not knowing how you felt?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Being nice to me, Sei. Taking me to see the sunset. Entrusting me with your friends, with…with Takahashi-sama! Telling me these things you never told me when we were younger… but never really saying how you felt. What else should I have thought but that it was just your… weekly routine…"

"You can't be serious!"

With that, it's my turn to cry. And in all truthfulness, it helps with the pain. I heave a very un-lady like sob, and I couldn't give a fuck about propriety right now. I am owning this ugliness, this desperation, this weakness.

So I hear her breathe out a not so quiet, "Oh man…" Then she brings both her hands to her head as if she has just missed a penalty kick, "I can't believe I'm going to do this again…" she continues with the not-so-internal monologue until she finally takes a deep breath and addresses me, "Okay, listen," she starts, "I'm going to tell you something, but I need you to give me your word that this won't be used against me once we're done here…. Can you do that for me?"

I nod, but it's not enough for her, "I need to hear you say it," she says to me with seriousness which makes me wonder if this is really the Satou Sei I have come to know.

So I agree to her rule with the last of my voice.

"Okay then," she says and takes another deep breath before continuing, "I lied to you," she says and my chest explodes with sorrow even though I am oblivious to what lie she has told.

"…"

"That entire speech inside your car about being hopeful someone else would come along –all a bunch of crap–. I actually prayed it would never happen again. When Shiori left, I promised myself I wouldn't pursue anyone else. It was such a coward move, but it worked for me; quite perfectly, I must add. People thought I was shallow when I rejected their advances, and because I was saving myself, I was completely fine with the labels…" she chuckles, and shakes her head, "I must also admit that when we first saw each other again, I just wanted to make sure you were okay, because the girls had been worried."

"…"

"But then the more we talked the more something inside of me kept telling me not to let you go. I was surprised with your hesitance, but also so proud of you for finally realizing you couldn't be perfect –you're not a very good liar, Youko–. And then all of a sudden, I found myself in front of someone as scared as me… And you were still yourself, yeah… but in many ways you were also someone I didn't know at all. And I thought it wonderful that even Mizuno Youko could have evolved from Rosa Chinensis…"

"Sei, I—"

"You're most wonderful, Youko…" she cuts me off, "…especially when you're not trying to use every breath of yours attempting to be flawless," she smiles at me with a candidness that makes my head spin. "I was never going to take you to Takahashi's house," she admits a bit remorsefully, "but I couldn't make myself bid you farewell. And I am so glad that I didn't, because what happened on the roof that night..." she brings her fingers to her lips, "I should have kissed you first!" she says earnestly, "I think… I think this is a good time to admit I was scared because we had only spend a few hours together, but by then I already knew that if I kissed you I wouldn't want to stop… When you hesitated to my invitation to meet again after that night with my friends, I berated myself severely for thinking you would be on the same page as me. But when you knocked on my door a week later, you also unknowingly threw a hammer on what was left of the wall I had built as protection for my heart. That night you were scared you had made the wrong decision by coming over, but you ended up proving to me that I could stand in front of someone, for the first time since my teens, and allow myself to fall in love again –of all people it's just fitting it would have been with you…–"

"Sei—"

"I-it's okay, Youko," she tells me trying to fake a smile, "It was bound to happen again, right? So, please, don't make a big deal out of this." Then she looks back to the ballroom door, "We should get back. Soon enough someone will realize we're not in there and then it will be hard to explain why we spent so much time out here," she finishes, turning her back to me, walking to the door and knocking on it.

Not much later the doorman lets her in.

I am still falling in the abyss of her absence. For so long I hoped for a love to consume me, to take the breath right from my mouth, and when I am finally faced with it, in all its unapologetic force, the apathy in which I approach it leads me to think I am utterly underserving of it. Like I am underserving of so many other things in my life – including the title of Rosa Chinensis, and all the friends I made while pretending I knew everything.

_I know nothing. _

I hang my head low trying to garner enough courage to finally walk into the ballroom.

"Ma'am," the doorkeeper opens the door for me when I finally float to him.

"It's a lovely night, isn't it?" I ask him.

His response is a chuckle, but he quickly apologizes for the gaffe, "Sei-chan said you would try to stall…"

"Did she?"

"She's a good kid, Mizuno-sam—"

"Youko."

"Pardon me… Youko-sama."

I smile at him –a thank-you I hope he understands–. Though the door is open I never look inside.

"Did she tell you?"

I nod at him when my words get stuck in my throat.

"Well, I will be dammed," he scratches his head, then reaches to his back pocket, taking his wallet out and pulling a five-dollar bill, "Here."

"Wha—"

"I betted she wouldn't tell you."

"You betted?"

"She told me she was about to do something ridiculous and needed me to go inside for a while. I said I couldn't… but she explained why she didn't want me listening to your conversation."

"Oh…"

"I have never seen anyone so nervous…" he laughs, "Sei-chan said you guys had know each other for so long she was scared she was doing the wrong thing by telling you how she felt. She said if she was strong she'd keep her mouth shut."

"She's…"

"Wrong," he confirms my thoughts.

So I take the five-dollar bill from his hand, and I thank the man politely for both the conversation and for allowing me in.

Then he closes the door behind me with a satisfied smile.

Slow music engulfs the room, and the chattering is prominent but not unbearable. I look around the ballroom for the first time, wishing I were again in the still of that empty courtyard.

The dance floor is surprisingly crowded, filled of Lillian maidens blatantly stripped away from their former masks, titles, and turbulent adolescences. They're not pretending any longer –they don't need to anyway–.

I float closer to those hearts I have selfishly claimed mine a long while ago. And I wonder if they will ever be okay knowing that I am no longer as strong as Rosa Chinensis; knowing that I, too, am flawed, confused, terrified, in love.

_Deeply, wholly, undeniably, and unapologetically in love._

When I finally spot her, I cannot help but smile, she is dancing with none but _Mizuno-sama_. But I press on, and my heart races with each step which leads me closer to her.

"Ah take Sei-chan from here!" Mom tells me, handing me Sei like she is a gift.

I thank her politely, while Sei stands in front of me trying to smile but failing terribly at it –it turns out, she is not that great of a liar either–.

I take a step closer to her and she stands still. Then I take another step, and she doesn't move. She remains unwavering while my heart burst out of my chest, floats to her and tethers us together. I inch closer until my left hand finds her right, and my right hand makes home in the middle of her chest, only then my heels lift off the floor, and I cling to the ground only by my toes.

My lips finally land on hers, startling her at first. And I hear no outraged gasps from our friends, though I cannot help but catch a faint whisper, "yes!" _I think that's Noriko-chan_.

With both her hands cupping my face her tongue greets my mouth, a "Hello," which makes my legs sway. And I hold on to her kimono, creasing its fabric as I use her chest as leverage. If she moves I will fall.

If she moves I will surround my heart with briars, much like she did, and I will never let anyone else in again.

But she holds on to me.

She stands with me.

She doesn't let me fall.

###


End file.
